Sunday, August 21, 2011

Random Review: Conan the Barbarian

I think I'm better at being random so here goes:

  • Jason Momoa has really nice armpits.
  • Rose McGowan is a bad villain. Or just a bad actress in general.
  • The CGI was okay, although it wasn't as polished as, let's say, The Rise of The Planet of The Apes. The tentacle monster thing was made obviously fake by 3D.
  • Seeing Conan's dad give his wife an impromptu ceasarean was interesting, to say the least.
  • When you've already rated the movie R-13, DON'T CUT. If people don't heed the warning, then that's their fault. Stupid censorship is stupid.
  • The incestuous undertones between Khalar Zym and Mariq  is not as disturbing as the octopus mask of power. Yes, that's how weird it is.
  • Watching the Conan and Tamara "love story" unfold is like reading a PWP ("Plot, what plot"; fanfiction term). Who cares about the story as long as there is sex inside a cave? And a shot of Jason's incredibly toned gluteus maximus?
  • Seriously though, the love angle? No, not working.
  • Also, stop casting African-American men as sidekicks who are not even in the best part of the movie. It's insulting.
  • Did I already mention how annoying the cuts are? Okay, good.
  • The blood spatter action was crayzeh. It's either these people are incredibly strong or ancient humans were made of watermelons.
  • This movie, for some reason, made me want to see what would happen if the bad guys won. And they could've, if they didn't waste a lot of time orating.
  • I think the scriptwriters of Conan used to work for FPJ Productions.
  • A weak premise produces a weak movie, no matter how much you spend on special effects.
  • I rate this movie 6.5/10. 3 for my love of Jason + 2 for the gore + 1.5 for the free popcorn I got. C'mon, if I started a review with an observation about armpits, you shouldn't have expected too much.

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