Happy Birthday

My birthday used to be a secret. I didn't tell people when it was because I wanted them to guess, and I knew they would. In my youth, I was arrogant enough to think it would matter. Or maybe deep down I already knew it didn't, but my cynicism was still in its infancy, and the thought was a mere whisper behind one of the many closed doors inside my head.

Today, it's mostly still a whisper, but it rages into a chorus from time to time. The closed door has multiplied, hinges rattling from the harsh mumbles that reiterate my inconsequence.

Today, I rebel by telling everyone when I was born. "October 13," I tell everyone who will listen. "I'm a libra," I add, as if the more other people know about me, the more I exist. The more I demand to be here. I'm like a toddler stomping on one foot, insisting people remember that thirty something years ago, I changed two people's lives and I was their joy, I was wanted, I was waited for.

Today, I hold on to that. Granted, it's not too much to hold on to. I could feel my fingers clamped on the back door, pushing, pulling, wondering how many seconds the world will stop when I slip out. I am no longer in my youth, but I guess I still have the arrogance in me to think that I would matter.

The Disadvantages of Having A Male Best Friend

1. Everyone thinks you're dating. Even the people you're actually dating.
2. "You look so good together!" comments. We look good. Period.
3. When meeting potential dates, he has to just straight up pretend he's gay coz if he doesn't, they'll ask, anyway. "Oh he's straight? But you're not gettin' jiggy? You sure he's straight?" Yes, Brian. Also, you're not getting a second date.
4. You know his mom and hence have become the unwilling conveyor of mommy reminders. "Tita says you should buy clothes that aren't black. Also sleep early."
5. Random people, like let's say a Turkish kebab vendor, suddenly think they have a say in your spousal choices. "Oh, where's your wife from? You're not married? Well, you should be." Unless you're paying for the destination wedding, no thanks.
6. When you say, "We're just friends," people complete the sentence with: "...but with benefits?" Oh I wish. I wish we had benefits. And by benefits, I mean health insurance and pension.
7. When you go out and want to meet people, one has to purposely wander away to increase both of your likelihood to succeed. It sucks because you wanna spend time with your best friend AND also maybe meet the love of your life.
8. When you casually mention that you've had sleepovers at his house, everyone gives you *that* look. Like you're both 15 and have no control over hormones.
9. Even after making a list like this, you will convince absolutely no one that you're not together.

Awake

I want to be your coffee cup. To have that bottom lip running across my angles. I know how careful you can be. You take things in painfully slow, always at the precipice of hesitation. It makes my breath hitch. My senses focus on that single second the hot liquid caresses the slick skin against your teeth. My imagination mesmerizes me.

You hold that cup with such considerate gentleness that makes me curious about how you hold other things not made of porcelain. Are you as guarded? Or do those fingers explore like a conqueror, mapping out entrances and exits, twists and territories Your knuckles look rough, and my thoughts head straight to impossibilities. I want to tell you about them. But not right now, when your eyes are closed, tasting. Not right now, when I can bore right through you with unabashed hunger and still keep it a secret.