Saturday, December 1, 2012

Not Gay and Not Exactly Loving It

Here is the transcript of me and my mother's usual conversation about my love life (translated into English for the benefit of that one Yugoslavian person who lost his way in the intarwebs):

Me: I need a boyfriend.
Mama: You should go out more.
Me: You don't like me going out, remember?
Mama: That's not true. Also, you should look nicer.
Me: What do you mean? I look nice.
Mama: You look like you hate everybody.
Me: You gave me this face.
Mama: Whatever.

The conversation goes on and on until we reach the topic of homosexuality, in which my mother asserts her firm belief that there are still handsome, educated, hardworking, 20-something single men who do not go for dudes. Clearly, my mother is still stuck in the wrong era.

I try to explain to her that it's not just my face that's the problem.  It's the fact that she brought me up to have really high standards when it comes to men. I mean, my dad wasn't a supermodel lawyer or anything, but he never cheated on us, never drank or smoked, and actually worked for a living. Today, you're lucky if you get 2 out of 3. Actually, you're lucky if you get a dude who's willing to foot the bill at McDonald's (not that I would ever need such a dude, mind you).

Recently, my best friend showed me a list of signs that a girl needs to get laid. One of them was seriously considering being lesbian. I gasp because God knows how many times I've contemplated that route. A part of me thinks I can do it. Yeah sure, I can get it on with a girl. I mean, I like androgyny, anyway.  I like pretty hands. I like long hair. So technically speaking, my dream guy is not, in fact, a guy, but a girl with a dick. And strap-ons aren't exactly rare nowadays, so hey, why not?

To test out my theory, I downloaded a "dating" app on my iTouch. I actually didn't expect any girl to find me attractive but after a couple of days, there she was.  An actual female sent me a smiley.  I sent a winking smiley right back (while internally asking the question "Do lesbians find winks hot?"). It was a nerve-wracking two minutes before she said "Hi." Then, the flirting began. It was...nice.  I was a bit freaked out, of course, but girls are actually really fun to flirt with because they don't go straight to talking about how big their penises are. On it went until she asked, "So, you wanna meet up?"

I froze. As in all my fingers stopped moving, and I could feel the air getting trapped in my lungs. In my mind were images of kissing, and touching, and (yes) boobs. I closed the app.

And right then, I truly realized that I was not lesbian. Yet.

I vaguely remember one of the guys I dated before.  I told him I had always thought I was bi and he told me that the only way to find out is to imagine performing cunnilingus on someone. If you don't retch, then congratulations, you're a swinger.  The moment he said it, I felt like regurgitating the food I just ingested. I should have taken that as a clue.

So now, I am back to my first option.  I will be forced to wait for a guy who is 1) straight, 2) has a job, 3) is willing to put up with me.

Ergo, I will be forced to wait forever.

December Playlist

1. Screaming Females - Expire
2. Empire of the Sun - Walking on a Dream
3. Cypress Hill - Hits from the Bong
4. Rogue Wave - Publish My Love
5. Regina Spektor - The Party
6. Ann Brun - Do You Remember
7. Screaming Females - It All Means Nothing

Saturday, September 29, 2012

5 Jobs I Would Have Kicked Ass In

There are days that I think I made the wrong decision when I decided to study English.  For one, it would have saved me a lot of stress because I wouldn't have the impulse to mentally parse the utterances of every single person I converse with. I also wouldn't have to pretend that I've read 100 Years of Solitude and actually liked it. During these times, I fantasize about taking up a trade that is wholly unrelated to English Studies.  A trade that actually pays good money and/or lets me wield boundless power over people I abhor. Here are some of them.

1. President of China
          When I was in grade school, I was always voted as class president. Perhaps it was because of my permanent scowl (also known as my face), or my natural tendency to boss around people whom I assumed had lower IQs than me, but without fail, I got elected as president every year. But not only did I exercise my executive powers over those within the four corners of our pink classroom. I reigned over the entire year. Batchmates would come up to me to tell me about being bullied, about their pencil cases being stolen, about accidentally pooping in their pants. And I, their fearsome yet fair leader, would always come to their rescue. I roundhouse kicked the bullies, punched the thieves, and dutifully informed teachers that so-and-so smelled like rotten eggs and it would be in our best interest if somebody just went ahead and called their mother.
           Given this extensive experience in leading highly impressionable children who cannot make their own decisions, I'm pretty sure that being the president of China will come naturally to me.
            It is also my fervent belief that with the guidance of a proper dictator figure, they can finally stop trying to steal other people's countries.

2. President of North Korea
            My explanation for this is pretty much the same as my explanation in the previous point.  The only difference is that my complete ineptitude in Chemistry, Physics, and nuclear weaponry will come in handy in this occupation.  If the North Korean scientists cannot make me understand how fissile material works, I will not let them make any. And that right there, ladies and gentlemen, is the key to world peace.
             I'm a genius, I know.

3. Newscaster
             A taxi driver once told me that I looked like Korina Sanchez.  That's basically where I got the idea.  It has been further reinforced by these three facts: 1) I like to talk, 2) I like to talk nonsense, and 3) I like to talk nonsense in front of a large crowd.  I also lack just the right amount of shame to become successful in this field.  It also helps that I do not mind looking like a doofus while trying to make people believe that whatever I'm saying is right and that those who dare oppose me are morons and should get the fuck out of the country.
             Thank you, teaching profession, for these invaluable traits.

4. Fashion Designer
              There are only two requirements for becoming a legendary fashion designer. The first is you have to like clothes. The second is you actually have to wear them. Check and check.  One does not need talent for this job. I only need money and a super rich financier whose favorite words are "edgy" and "fierce".  In short, the moment I get Tyra Banks to fund my first collection, I can consider myself made.

5. Ninja
              This is all about stealth and developing a high tolerance for breathing with a piece of cloth covering half of your face.  And since I'm small and I live near a bus terminal, I was pretty much born for this job. When I was little (I mean young, because physically, I'm still the size of a 12-year-old), my favorite hobby was to hide from my parents. I'd hide in closets, inside the empty TV cabinet, in between bookshelves, and under windows.  When they didn't catch me, I took pleasure in watching them frantically run around the house for 10 minutes before nonchalantly getting out of my space, saying "What? I'm just here."  When they did catch me, however, I had to make do with getting smacked in the butt.
               Although this type of work does not pay well (unless I get to be a Ninja Assassin, in which case I will be rolling around in tons of money and severed limbs),  I think that I'd choose this above all of the other four.  For one, I'd get to buy a katana. But most of all, I could've not taken any Math subjects and my life would've been perfect.

Monday, September 10, 2012

How to Ask A Girl Out

Before anything else, I'd just like to say that these have been tried and tested.  Not saying they have been successful, but they have been tried and tested. A lot of times.

1. Know her name
          You might think me an idiot for even including this here, but you have no idea how many guys fantasize about women they don't even personally know (not including porn stars). It might be the fault of romantic Hollywood movies that have taught us that if you walk around aimlessly for a good amount of time, you are bound to come across the girl of your dreams who, after spilling her things on the sidewalk and allowing you to heroically save her Chapstick from falling into the sewerage, will voluntarily introduce herself to you, sparing you the agony of what-ifs. No. It does not happen.  In real life, the girl will most likely mumble a weak "thanks" and be on her way to meet her real boyfriend. Who is not, and never will be, you.
          So yeah, you might want to actually work on your people skills and make the effort. See someone you think has potential? Come up to her and introduce yourself. Try not to be too creepy, of course (Psychopaths are not sexy, unless I am the girl, in which case, I will have no qualms marrying you with or without the hockey mask). It will be easier if you have a common friend. If the common friend's a girl, also try not to flirt with her. If the common friend's a guy, invite him to the parking lot and proceed to stab him to death. Eliminating the competition is a must.
2. Ask what she likes and like it, too
           Common interests are the way to a girl's heart. Not food. Well okay, food, too. But why would you want to bond over food when you can bond over something less fattening? Music it is, then. Or books. Or hair care products. It doesn't matter. Know what she likes, and force yourself to utter the words "Really? Me too!" Why, you ask? Well, most girls have formed this insane correlation between common interests and soulmate probability. The more common interests you have, the more likely it is for you to be "The One". And your main goal here is to be "The One". Not necessarily "The One She Will Marry and Have Kids With", but something along the lines of "The One She'll Take On A Couple of Dates Before Dumping for a Jock". Take it; don't be choosy.

3. Text her
           How are you going to get to know her if you don't talk to her? The better question is, how will she know you exist if you don't let her know you exist? Communicate, brother. A good morning greet is a perfect way to let her know that you think of her the moment you wake up. A good night greet makes her feel like you care whether she sleeps or not.  Texts at other times of the day tell her that even if you're not breathing down her neck every five minutes, you actually are, only you do it via radio waves (or whatever it is texts travel on). It also tells her that you know where she is at any given minute, and she should stop trying to get the attention of any other guy unless she wants them ambushed.

4. Reply when she texts you
            For girls, guys who do not reply or take 45 minutes to reply only to say "K" is a clear sign of uninterest. So never be that dude.  Reply to her even if she just says "Haha ikr." Think of something witty. Like "Hahaha ikykr" (which means 'I know you know, right?', by the way). Whatever it is, don't make her feel that you don't like talking to her, or that there's something else more important than reading her say "brb". You've got an exam the next day? It doesn't matter; learn to multitask. Your grandfather died? It doesn't matter; he's dead, she's not, end of story. You have no load? It doesn't matter; go out and buy some even if it's 11PM and there's a serial killer lurking in your neighborhood. There's no signal? It doesn't matter; it just doesn't, okay, get the point!
5. Use LOL
            Okay, I need you to listen to this one because this is the most important step. This is where you actually ask your girl out. Without this, this post is just rambling, completely nonsensical, and inappropriately titled. So here goes.
            When you ask the girl out, never EVER forget to use LOL at the end.  LOL is the magical word that will catch your sorry ass in case you get rejected. How so? By adding LOL to your text, you can easily pretend that you weren't really asking her out, she shouldn't take you too seriously, you were obviously just kidding blah blah let's drop this topic right now blah.

Sample interaction:
You: So, I was thinking maybe we should watch a movie together LOL
Her: Um. I don't think I can.
You: LOL It's fine. I was totally joking. LOL
(Use it twice in one sentence, for full jocular effect)

             LOL is still appropriate even if she says yes (in which case, OMG YOU A BADASS MUDAFUCKA FUCK YEAH GIMME SOME). It gives this distinct air of nonchalant confidence, like you honestly don't give a shit if she says no, when in reality, your palms are sweating so much that you have to cover your hands with your shirt as you type your reply. It makes you sound cool and calm, and not at all desperate even though you feel like throwing yourself off a cliff  the moment she friendzones you.

Sample interaction:
You: So, I was thinking maybe we should watch a movie together LOL
Her: Sure haha
You: Great. LOL
(Use LOL again to emphasize that you're chill. Then promptly cry into your pillow in happiness.)

So there you have it. Five easy ways to ask a girl out. If it doesn't work, repeat steps 1-5 on another girl. Or if you're that pathetic, repeat steps 1-5 on the same girl until she runs to the nearest police station to file a blotter on you (and you deserve it, you creeper).

Saturday, September 8, 2012

On Why I Should Write an Autobiography (And Why I Shouldn't)

Reading a good book always made me want to write a good book. I know that dream is right up there with winning an Oscar for Best Actress, but it somehow seems more feasible than, let's say, growing three more inches.  In the beginning, I dreamed of writing really deep, philosophical works of art. Like Love in the Time of Cholera. Or The Bell Jar. You know, things that teenagers would probably hate, college students would probably salivate on, and pseudo-intellectuals would probably pretend to have read. But upon further research and introspection, I've come to realize that the market is already chock-full of narcolepsy-inducing (yet highly award-winning) literary material, so maybe I should just stick to what I can accomplish in the next 50 years or so.  Something I honestly know about, care about, and can talk about for an indefinite amount of time.  And obviously that something is myself.

You might be thinking, "You're not even famous, why would you write an autobiography?" And there lies the brilliance of it, ladies and gentlemen. I will be the first non-famous person to ever have the audacity to write about my life and actually expect people to read it (much more pay for it). This makes me officially worse than Snooki from Jersey Shore.  She has an MTV show, what do I have to show for myself? Well, I joined a kiddie pageant when I was three, if that counts.

But that's not the point.

The point is the market is already saturated with the same stories. Stories about falling in love, falling out of love, falling in love after getting pregnant, falling in love with a vampire, falling, falling in love with being in love, murder, murdering while falling in love, murdering while falling in love with a vampire; they're all the same. I'm pretty sure someone (read: my mother) would appreciate a fresh story about, well, me.

Contrary to popular belief, my life is actually pretty interesting.  I teach at a well-respected University in the Philippines, and yet I have managed to moonlight as a prostitute to sponsor five homeless kids' elementary education (If you're reading this and you're my superior from the well-respected University, the part about moonlighting as a prostitute is a joke.  Unfortunately, sponsoring five homeless kids' elementary education is, too). Seriously speaking, my life experiences may not have involved snorting cocaine with Kurt Cobain or having midnight trysts with our Barangay Captain in exchange for 24/7 security, but I can say that it can actually fill a 300-page book and it is very, very possible for you to read without inducing yourself into a coma.

My friend who works at an e-publishing house has cajoled me into submitting a 25,000-word novel, saying that I have the writing ability to make something interesting. I told her, "If I had that writing ability, I wouldn't still be using my Dad's credit card to buy me some Starbucks" (read: I actually did not say that; I just wanted to put in something wittier than "Okay sure, I'll try"). Obviously, I didn't take her seriously.  But after listening to Tina Fey's Bossypants, I'm just like "Fuck it. I'm doing it, bitches."

So here goes. I know that it is highly likely that I will never, ever end up with a book publishers would willingly spend their money on, but how will I know if I don't try?

Monday, September 3, 2012


I dream of hands
much like yours,
much like mine,
much like anything intertwined.
But much like dreams,
they disappear.
And when I wake up,
you're still not here.

Monday, August 20, 2012

Random Review: Expendables 2

Literally got dragged into the cinema. It was free so *shrug*.

  • If you're looking for a plot, don't watch this movie.
  • If you're looking for well-rounded characters, don't watch this movie.
  • If you're looking for guns and guts, watch this movie.
  • If you're looking for killing sprees, watch this movie.
  • If you're--- okay, you get my point.
  • I don't know why, but every time I see Liam Hemsworth, I think of Miley Cyrus' teeth.
  • Whenever a lead character in an action movie decides to stop being an action star, he dies. That's just the way life is.
  • The dialogue was--- wait, was I about to talk about the dialogue? Sorry, I forgot that there wasn't any. Let's move along.
  • It's funny how Dolph Lundgren's intellect was acknowledged in this movie. So I suppose it's now safe to say that yes, I've had a crush on him ever since I could remember. No judging.
  • Jet Li sounds like his lungs are full of helium.
  • Terry Crews, no matter how huge his biceps become, will always be that dude from White Chicks who sang A Thousand Miles. But I got mad respect for this brotha. Mad respect.
  • Let us take this moment to acknowledge the epicness of Chuck Norris.
  • While we're at it, let's take this other moment, too.
  • And oh, right, Stallone's also in the movie.
  • And uh Van Damme. Yeah.
  • CHUCK NORRIS!!!!1!!!!1ELEVENTY111!!1!

Thursday, August 9, 2012

The hard part about having a blog

Is when your students decide to google you. Because then they'd know that their teacher is unhinged and most likely unfit to mold the impressionable minds of 16-year-olds.

I'm just glad my Twitter is private.

Sunday, July 1, 2012

Saturday, April 28, 2012

How to Not Get Robbed

I'm not saying it's your fault, but at least take some precaution.

1. Walk with a purpose
            This is tried and tested.  Muggers won't notice you if you brisk walk past them.  They are more likely to take note of your shiny earrings, your gold watch, and your brand new cellphone if they have more than ten seconds to look at them.  Also, if you walk fast, muggers won't bother running after you. A moving target is harder to catch.  Unless your pursuers do cardio (in that case, give it up coz you're fucked).

2. Don't dangle your prized possessions in front of would-be muggers
           I know that showing off your phone does not make it legal for people to steal it, but muggers don't really adhere to our kind of logic.  So if you want to enjoy that DSLR for more than two weeks, don't make it a necklace. Wearing it around your neck is like screaming "Take it! Take it! It's here!" Well, at least that's what muggers would say to defend their surprise attack on you. I know you can't wait for people to acknowledge you as a "serious photographer", but I'm pretty sure there are other ways for you to prove that. Like by, I don't know, taking really good pictures?

3. Don't bring your prized possessions everywhere if you don't need them
          The number of people who cannot live without gadgets is exponentially increasing, so I suppose this might be a tad impossible for technomaniacs (did I just invent a new word?).  But like all things, there is a time and place for everything; including your unrequited love for your iPad. If you're just going out to buy vinegar from the nearest sari-sari store, you don't have to lug the thing around. It's not a puppy. It's not going to miss you. You can leave it in the house for half a day and it won't starve to death. Promise.  So go out, have an actual conversation for once, and experience the liberating feeling of not having to entertain the possibility of your gadget being stolen and/or your neck being impaled by an ice pick.

4. Look like you're not worth mugging
          Whenever I go to places where there is rampant mugging, I adhere to a strict dress code. I call it "Nursery Ninja". It's a mix of innocence and the barely contained aura of instinctive homicide. I try to dress like I'm too young and poor to be robbed, but if someone even attempts it, I will have no qualms karate-chopping their nearest body part. I do not wear miniskirts. I do not wear high heels. Most of all, I make sure that any prized possession is stuffed inside my shirt. Forget trying to look pretty or handsome. You'll have more time for that if you don't get shot in the head by a desperate rugby boy.

5. Be alert
          They say that in life, you should stop and smell the roses. I guess you could do that when you're in a garden literally full of roses and people just go milling about as they are wont to do in a garden. But if you're in a dark city street, I suggest you do not stop and smell anything. This should be rule number one, actually.  Minding one's business is probably the most effective way for you to avoid mugging. Look at your surroundings, but not too long enough that you'd attract unwanted attention. Focus on where you're walking, do not talk to strangers, and lastly, be aware if someone already has his entire hand inside your backpack. In short, if you're not an oblivious moron, I'm pretty sure you'll get home alive.

April Playlist

It's an Effie Trinket fanmix I picked up somewhere but it's awesome, so here goes:

1. Lana Del Rey - This is What Makes Us Girls
2. Maria Taylor - Smile and Wave
3. Metric - Help I'm Alive
4. Sixpence None the Richer - There She Goes
5. Hole - Petals
6. Hole - Doll Parts
7. The Hush Sound - Magnolia
8. The Wreckers - Stand Still and Look Pretty
9. Adriana Figueroa - The Hanging Tree

Monday, March 12, 2012

Poetry Fix Part Deux

We fuck in silken sheets

We fuck in silken sheets,
Giorgio Armani.
Our money, not theirs.
The feathers inside your pillow are all dead
geese and fleece.
Please do not touch that.
You cannot afford it,
you cannot afford to fuck in these silken sheets
when your bed is not a bed
when your mosquitoes are fatter
and richer than you.
Nets won't keep them out.
Money will.
Because when you fuck in silken sheets,
you give birth to real deals that change
the color of your hair to golden brown.
French fried to a crisp
like newly minted bills.
Look how great it is to fuck
in silken sheets when down
they just get fucked.
Pity them who writhe in rooms
with no chandeliers.
No tinkling when your head hits
the board, when you scream.
There's nothing like fucking in silken sheets;
it's a dream. Don't open your eyes.
Not ever.

Monday, February 27, 2012

Another Movie List

Just to keep in track of the things I really want to see.

W.E. - The love affair of Wallis Simpson and Edward VIII. It's directed by Madonna so I'm expecting a really polished finished product. As a sucker for "royalty" movies, I am actually quite excited.

Girl with a Dragon Tattoo - Rooney Mara looks unhinged, so points for that. Haven't read the book yet; perhaps this will make me change my mind.

Jane Eyre - Mia Wasikowska as the lead. I loved the book so we'll see how this classic is rendered into modern film.

Young Adult - The idea of Charlize Theron playing a lazy bum (like me) looks really promising. No Oscar nods here but it's interesting to see an actor who has been stereotyped into serious roles take a risk with a comedic one. I'd like to see if she pulls it off (judging from the trailer, I think she does).

Thursday, February 23, 2012

Ezra Miller

Very seldom do we encounter actors who, at such a young age, display the gumption and depth of men who have lived twice their age. And when one does encounter such an actor, one cannot help but be awed.

I'm talking about Ezra Miller.  I don't think I'm as good a writer as to fully describe this person's brilliancy at portrayal, so you might just have to watch his movies to see for yourself.  Try "We Need to Talk about Kevin" on for size. Based on a novel, it's a story about how a mother copes with her mass-murdering son and the consequences of his actions. Needless to say, it is not a happy movie. You will leave it exhausted and seriously questioning the innate goodness of human nature. You will, however, have no doubt with regard to Miller's raw talent. It's there. Definitely.  And even though "Kevin" is not exactly a perky indie movie, I found myself watching an older work of his: "Another Happy Day", which, to no surprise, is ironically titled. In this film, he plays a drug addict, fresh out of rehab, and on his way to his stepbrother's wedding.  The rest of his family is so far from ideal that I actually went and hugged my mother after watching the movie. I told her I was grateful that her level of crazy does not go beyond Ellen Barkin's. She told me she did not know who Ellen Barkin was, to which I replied, "Good".

Ezra Miller is starting out dark. It seems his roles lean towards a skewed antithesis of the Oedipal complex. But he is starting off strong. I'd like to see what his next move would be. Because I know for a fact that even though his films make me want to cut my wrists, I am just as desperate to see him cut his. Figuratively and otherwise.

Next Attractions

Movies to Watch:

My Week with Marilyn 
- Stars Michelle Williams as Marilyn Monroe. Very interested in seeing if she pulled it off and if I should cry if she does not win the Oscar.
- A movie on whether Shakespeare really did exist. Reviews are not good, but my English Major heart's want is strong.
Sleeping Beauty 
- This is not the fairy tale. Stars the gorgeous Emily Browning as a pseudo(semi?) prostitute. Art film that apparently has less nudity than expected.
Iron Lady
- Meryl Streep as Margaret Thatcher. And because Meryl is my favorite actress of all time, this movie being on my list needs no explanation.