Saturday, September 29, 2012

5 Jobs I Would Have Kicked Ass In

There are days that I think I made the wrong decision when I decided to study English.  For one, it would have saved me a lot of stress because I wouldn't have the impulse to mentally parse the utterances of every single person I converse with. I also wouldn't have to pretend that I've read 100 Years of Solitude and actually liked it. During these times, I fantasize about taking up a trade that is wholly unrelated to English Studies.  A trade that actually pays good money and/or lets me wield boundless power over people I abhor. Here are some of them.

1. President of China
          When I was in grade school, I was always voted as class president. Perhaps it was because of my permanent scowl (also known as my face), or my natural tendency to boss around people whom I assumed had lower IQs than me, but without fail, I got elected as president every year. But not only did I exercise my executive powers over those within the four corners of our pink classroom. I reigned over the entire year. Batchmates would come up to me to tell me about being bullied, about their pencil cases being stolen, about accidentally pooping in their pants. And I, their fearsome yet fair leader, would always come to their rescue. I roundhouse kicked the bullies, punched the thieves, and dutifully informed teachers that so-and-so smelled like rotten eggs and it would be in our best interest if somebody just went ahead and called their mother.
           Given this extensive experience in leading highly impressionable children who cannot make their own decisions, I'm pretty sure that being the president of China will come naturally to me.
            It is also my fervent belief that with the guidance of a proper dictator figure, they can finally stop trying to steal other people's countries.

2. President of North Korea
            My explanation for this is pretty much the same as my explanation in the previous point.  The only difference is that my complete ineptitude in Chemistry, Physics, and nuclear weaponry will come in handy in this occupation.  If the North Korean scientists cannot make me understand how fissile material works, I will not let them make any. And that right there, ladies and gentlemen, is the key to world peace.
             I'm a genius, I know.

3. Newscaster
             A taxi driver once told me that I looked like Korina Sanchez.  That's basically where I got the idea.  It has been further reinforced by these three facts: 1) I like to talk, 2) I like to talk nonsense, and 3) I like to talk nonsense in front of a large crowd.  I also lack just the right amount of shame to become successful in this field.  It also helps that I do not mind looking like a doofus while trying to make people believe that whatever I'm saying is right and that those who dare oppose me are morons and should get the fuck out of the country.
             Thank you, teaching profession, for these invaluable traits.

4. Fashion Designer
              There are only two requirements for becoming a legendary fashion designer. The first is you have to like clothes. The second is you actually have to wear them. Check and check.  One does not need talent for this job. I only need money and a super rich financier whose favorite words are "edgy" and "fierce".  In short, the moment I get Tyra Banks to fund my first collection, I can consider myself made.

5. Ninja
              This is all about stealth and developing a high tolerance for breathing with a piece of cloth covering half of your face.  And since I'm small and I live near a bus terminal, I was pretty much born for this job. When I was little (I mean young, because physically, I'm still the size of a 12-year-old), my favorite hobby was to hide from my parents. I'd hide in closets, inside the empty TV cabinet, in between bookshelves, and under windows.  When they didn't catch me, I took pleasure in watching them frantically run around the house for 10 minutes before nonchalantly getting out of my space, saying "What? I'm just here."  When they did catch me, however, I had to make do with getting smacked in the butt.
               Although this type of work does not pay well (unless I get to be a Ninja Assassin, in which case I will be rolling around in tons of money and severed limbs),  I think that I'd choose this above all of the other four.  For one, I'd get to buy a katana. But most of all, I could've not taken any Math subjects and my life would've been perfect.

Monday, September 10, 2012

How to Ask A Girl Out

Before anything else, I'd just like to say that these have been tried and tested.  Not saying they have been successful, but they have been tried and tested. A lot of times.

1. Know her name
          You might think me an idiot for even including this here, but you have no idea how many guys fantasize about women they don't even personally know (not including porn stars). It might be the fault of romantic Hollywood movies that have taught us that if you walk around aimlessly for a good amount of time, you are bound to come across the girl of your dreams who, after spilling her things on the sidewalk and allowing you to heroically save her Chapstick from falling into the sewerage, will voluntarily introduce herself to you, sparing you the agony of what-ifs. No. It does not happen.  In real life, the girl will most likely mumble a weak "thanks" and be on her way to meet her real boyfriend. Who is not, and never will be, you.
          So yeah, you might want to actually work on your people skills and make the effort. See someone you think has potential? Come up to her and introduce yourself. Try not to be too creepy, of course (Psychopaths are not sexy, unless I am the girl, in which case, I will have no qualms marrying you with or without the hockey mask). It will be easier if you have a common friend. If the common friend's a girl, also try not to flirt with her. If the common friend's a guy, invite him to the parking lot and proceed to stab him to death. Eliminating the competition is a must.
2. Ask what she likes and like it, too
           Common interests are the way to a girl's heart. Not food. Well okay, food, too. But why would you want to bond over food when you can bond over something less fattening? Music it is, then. Or books. Or hair care products. It doesn't matter. Know what she likes, and force yourself to utter the words "Really? Me too!" Why, you ask? Well, most girls have formed this insane correlation between common interests and soulmate probability. The more common interests you have, the more likely it is for you to be "The One". And your main goal here is to be "The One". Not necessarily "The One She Will Marry and Have Kids With", but something along the lines of "The One She'll Take On A Couple of Dates Before Dumping for a Jock". Take it; don't be choosy.

3. Text her
           How are you going to get to know her if you don't talk to her? The better question is, how will she know you exist if you don't let her know you exist? Communicate, brother. A good morning greet is a perfect way to let her know that you think of her the moment you wake up. A good night greet makes her feel like you care whether she sleeps or not.  Texts at other times of the day tell her that even if you're not breathing down her neck every five minutes, you actually are, only you do it via radio waves (or whatever it is texts travel on). It also tells her that you know where she is at any given minute, and she should stop trying to get the attention of any other guy unless she wants them ambushed.

4. Reply when she texts you
            For girls, guys who do not reply or take 45 minutes to reply only to say "K" is a clear sign of uninterest. So never be that dude.  Reply to her even if she just says "Haha ikr." Think of something witty. Like "Hahaha ikykr" (which means 'I know you know, right?', by the way). Whatever it is, don't make her feel that you don't like talking to her, or that there's something else more important than reading her say "brb". You've got an exam the next day? It doesn't matter; learn to multitask. Your grandfather died? It doesn't matter; he's dead, she's not, end of story. You have no load? It doesn't matter; go out and buy some even if it's 11PM and there's a serial killer lurking in your neighborhood. There's no signal? It doesn't matter; it just doesn't, okay, get the point!
5. Use LOL
            Okay, I need you to listen to this one because this is the most important step. This is where you actually ask your girl out. Without this, this post is just rambling, completely nonsensical, and inappropriately titled. So here goes.
            When you ask the girl out, never EVER forget to use LOL at the end.  LOL is the magical word that will catch your sorry ass in case you get rejected. How so? By adding LOL to your text, you can easily pretend that you weren't really asking her out, she shouldn't take you too seriously, you were obviously just kidding blah blah let's drop this topic right now blah.

Sample interaction:
You: So, I was thinking maybe we should watch a movie together LOL
Her: Um. I don't think I can.
You: LOL It's fine. I was totally joking. LOL
(Use it twice in one sentence, for full jocular effect)

             LOL is still appropriate even if she says yes (in which case, OMG YOU A BADASS MUDAFUCKA FUCK YEAH GIMME SOME). It gives this distinct air of nonchalant confidence, like you honestly don't give a shit if she says no, when in reality, your palms are sweating so much that you have to cover your hands with your shirt as you type your reply. It makes you sound cool and calm, and not at all desperate even though you feel like throwing yourself off a cliff  the moment she friendzones you.

Sample interaction:
You: So, I was thinking maybe we should watch a movie together LOL
Her: Sure haha
You: Great. LOL
(Use LOL again to emphasize that you're chill. Then promptly cry into your pillow in happiness.)

So there you have it. Five easy ways to ask a girl out. If it doesn't work, repeat steps 1-5 on another girl. Or if you're that pathetic, repeat steps 1-5 on the same girl until she runs to the nearest police station to file a blotter on you (and you deserve it, you creeper).

Saturday, September 8, 2012

On Why I Should Write an Autobiography (And Why I Shouldn't)

Reading a good book always made me want to write a good book. I know that dream is right up there with winning an Oscar for Best Actress, but it somehow seems more feasible than, let's say, growing three more inches.  In the beginning, I dreamed of writing really deep, philosophical works of art. Like Love in the Time of Cholera. Or The Bell Jar. You know, things that teenagers would probably hate, college students would probably salivate on, and pseudo-intellectuals would probably pretend to have read. But upon further research and introspection, I've come to realize that the market is already chock-full of narcolepsy-inducing (yet highly award-winning) literary material, so maybe I should just stick to what I can accomplish in the next 50 years or so.  Something I honestly know about, care about, and can talk about for an indefinite amount of time.  And obviously that something is myself.

You might be thinking, "You're not even famous, why would you write an autobiography?" And there lies the brilliance of it, ladies and gentlemen. I will be the first non-famous person to ever have the audacity to write about my life and actually expect people to read it (much more pay for it). This makes me officially worse than Snooki from Jersey Shore.  She has an MTV show, what do I have to show for myself? Well, I joined a kiddie pageant when I was three, if that counts.

But that's not the point.

The point is the market is already saturated with the same stories. Stories about falling in love, falling out of love, falling in love after getting pregnant, falling in love with a vampire, falling, falling in love with being in love, murder, murdering while falling in love, murdering while falling in love with a vampire; they're all the same. I'm pretty sure someone (read: my mother) would appreciate a fresh story about, well, me.

Contrary to popular belief, my life is actually pretty interesting.  I teach at a well-respected University in the Philippines, and yet I have managed to moonlight as a prostitute to sponsor five homeless kids' elementary education (If you're reading this and you're my superior from the well-respected University, the part about moonlighting as a prostitute is a joke.  Unfortunately, sponsoring five homeless kids' elementary education is, too). Seriously speaking, my life experiences may not have involved snorting cocaine with Kurt Cobain or having midnight trysts with our Barangay Captain in exchange for 24/7 security, but I can say that it can actually fill a 300-page book and it is very, very possible for you to read without inducing yourself into a coma.

My friend who works at an e-publishing house has cajoled me into submitting a 25,000-word novel, saying that I have the writing ability to make something interesting. I told her, "If I had that writing ability, I wouldn't still be using my Dad's credit card to buy me some Starbucks" (read: I actually did not say that; I just wanted to put in something wittier than "Okay sure, I'll try"). Obviously, I didn't take her seriously.  But after listening to Tina Fey's Bossypants, I'm just like "Fuck it. I'm doing it, bitches."

So here goes. I know that it is highly likely that I will never, ever end up with a book publishers would willingly spend their money on, but how will I know if I don't try?

Monday, September 3, 2012


I dream of hands
much like yours,
much like mine,
much like anything intertwined.
But much like dreams,
they disappear.
And when I wake up,
you're still not here.