And when I say I want to run a finger on your chest (right down the middle, leading to the dip of your navel), I am serious. I touch you like that in my dreams. And it's as casual as you draping an arm across my shoulders and hugging me to you. Close. Closer.
Do you remember that time that you backed up against me and stepped on my foot? You said sorry with a laugh. You said you couldn't see me because I was too small. I was. But you could see me.
And I saw you. I still do, after all this time.
Sunday, July 14, 2013
Bucket List Update
I'm planning on pursuing another bucket list item next month. We'll see just which one. :)
Tuesday, July 9, 2013
The Man
Most of the time, I am an asexual plant. But in those rare periods where my hormones come alive at the right moment where a breathing, human male finds himself inexplicably attracted to me (and me to him, although this has not always been the case), I get into a romantic relationship. This has happened only a handful of times in my life, and yet it has happened often enough for me to finally figure out what I would like in a life partner.
When I was younger, I wanted to marry a prince (as expected). I was so obsessed with Prince William that when I found out that he was going out with Kate Middleton, I raged for days and felt like my future, the future I deserved, was cruelly ripped from me. Obviously, I was exaggerating. That and now that he is practically bald, I have realized that I never really loved him and was just in it for the free haute couture.
As I got older (and more realistic), I thought I would be wiser in my decisions regarding finding that someone. But with age comes desperation, and desperation leads to nothing but shit. I'm not 40, but like any other female in their late twenties, you look around and see your high school friends getting impregnated, and you panic and ask why nobody wants to fertilize your eggs. So instead of being more careful and decisive, you go at men like social climbers go at Nine West shoes on sale. You go at them hard and unthinking; you just grab the nearest one and sprint to the counter. Nevermind that they're missing a strap, or a heel, or they're not even in your size. Nevermind; what's important is that you have one.
Then you go home. And you look-- really look-- at what you just spent time, money, energy, and emotion on. And then you just feel like killing yourself.
I think you get the metaphor.
Coming from the most heart-wrenching breakup I've ever experienced, I have just begun to realize what kind of choices I made, what kind of things I prioritized, what kind of things I overlooked. I was so intent on this relationship being THE ONE that I ignored everything else that made sense and just hung on for dear life. I did not want to admit it then, but I know now that I stayed in that relationship because a part of me honestly believed that it was my last chance. And it's not. It's not. It will only be my last chance if I let it, if I close all my doors and sulk in one corner for the rest of my life. That man, no matter how happy he made me, was not the one, simply because he was not. Simply because I declare him not to be the one.
Yes, I have recently discovered the power of one's own will. You may laugh at that, but harnessing one's will is something that people often neglect to do. You often find those who seem so helpless with their lives, whose decisions are not made by them but by their parents or spouses or friends, whose actions are dictated by other people's advice. Well, I won't be one of them. Especially when it comes to choosing the person I will spend the rest of my life with. So here, Universe, I am sending this list out to you for you to know that this is what I want. And this is what I'll get.
The Man: The Anatomy of My Life Partner
1. He is older or my age.
2. He has a stable job.
3. He owns/is planning to own/has the resources to own a car (this may seem shallow but owning a car, and paying for it every month without fail, is a sign that a person knows how to commit to something. That and he knows how to manage his money.)
4. He can live alone ("can" because he may currently live with his parents not out of a lack of choices, but because of a sense of duty).
5. He knows what's happening in the world and is always ready to talk about it.
6. He reads books and likes it.
7. He has the financial freedom to take adventures with me, whenever we feel like it.
8. He is attractive to me.
9. He is attracted to me and is not afraid to show it.
10. He has the balls to go after what he wants.
11. He does not make promises; he acts on them.
12. He takes responsibility for his actions, his words, and his decisions.
13. He is unashamed to meet/talk to my parents.
14. He knows when to take care of me and when to let me do things by myself.
15. He respects me, in every sense of the word.
In making this list, I never wanted to use the phrase "dream man" because I made this list awake, sober, and fully conscious. And these criteria are, I believe, things that you need from someone if you are going to build a life with them. And the most important thing about this list is that I meet all 15 items in it. It is truly unfair to expect things from your significant other that you yourself cannot give. Hence, whatever I put in this list is also what I have, am, and do.
This is a long shot, I know, but it's all a matter of visualization. If you always think that you're going to end up alone with 30 cats, then you will, mainly because your actions will lean towards that outcome. And although I would really love to have 30 cats, I'd rather have someone to take care of them with me.
When I was younger, I wanted to marry a prince (as expected). I was so obsessed with Prince William that when I found out that he was going out with Kate Middleton, I raged for days and felt like my future, the future I deserved, was cruelly ripped from me. Obviously, I was exaggerating. That and now that he is practically bald, I have realized that I never really loved him and was just in it for the free haute couture.
As I got older (and more realistic), I thought I would be wiser in my decisions regarding finding that someone. But with age comes desperation, and desperation leads to nothing but shit. I'm not 40, but like any other female in their late twenties, you look around and see your high school friends getting impregnated, and you panic and ask why nobody wants to fertilize your eggs. So instead of being more careful and decisive, you go at men like social climbers go at Nine West shoes on sale. You go at them hard and unthinking; you just grab the nearest one and sprint to the counter. Nevermind that they're missing a strap, or a heel, or they're not even in your size. Nevermind; what's important is that you have one.
Then you go home. And you look-- really look-- at what you just spent time, money, energy, and emotion on. And then you just feel like killing yourself.
I think you get the metaphor.
Coming from the most heart-wrenching breakup I've ever experienced, I have just begun to realize what kind of choices I made, what kind of things I prioritized, what kind of things I overlooked. I was so intent on this relationship being THE ONE that I ignored everything else that made sense and just hung on for dear life. I did not want to admit it then, but I know now that I stayed in that relationship because a part of me honestly believed that it was my last chance. And it's not. It's not. It will only be my last chance if I let it, if I close all my doors and sulk in one corner for the rest of my life. That man, no matter how happy he made me, was not the one, simply because he was not. Simply because I declare him not to be the one.
Yes, I have recently discovered the power of one's own will. You may laugh at that, but harnessing one's will is something that people often neglect to do. You often find those who seem so helpless with their lives, whose decisions are not made by them but by their parents or spouses or friends, whose actions are dictated by other people's advice. Well, I won't be one of them. Especially when it comes to choosing the person I will spend the rest of my life with. So here, Universe, I am sending this list out to you for you to know that this is what I want. And this is what I'll get.
The Man: The Anatomy of My Life Partner
1. He is older or my age.
2. He has a stable job.
3. He owns/is planning to own/has the resources to own a car (this may seem shallow but owning a car, and paying for it every month without fail, is a sign that a person knows how to commit to something. That and he knows how to manage his money.)
4. He can live alone ("can" because he may currently live with his parents not out of a lack of choices, but because of a sense of duty).
5. He knows what's happening in the world and is always ready to talk about it.
6. He reads books and likes it.
7. He has the financial freedom to take adventures with me, whenever we feel like it.
8. He is attractive to me.
9. He is attracted to me and is not afraid to show it.
10. He has the balls to go after what he wants.
11. He does not make promises; he acts on them.
12. He takes responsibility for his actions, his words, and his decisions.
13. He is unashamed to meet/talk to my parents.
14. He knows when to take care of me and when to let me do things by myself.
15. He respects me, in every sense of the word.
In making this list, I never wanted to use the phrase "dream man" because I made this list awake, sober, and fully conscious. And these criteria are, I believe, things that you need from someone if you are going to build a life with them. And the most important thing about this list is that I meet all 15 items in it. It is truly unfair to expect things from your significant other that you yourself cannot give. Hence, whatever I put in this list is also what I have, am, and do.
This is a long shot, I know, but it's all a matter of visualization. If you always think that you're going to end up alone with 30 cats, then you will, mainly because your actions will lean towards that outcome. And although I would really love to have 30 cats, I'd rather have someone to take care of them with me.
Friday, July 5, 2013
Bucket List (Things I'd Like to Do Before I Die and/or Before You Kill Me)
1. Visit all UP campuses
2. Watch an Up Dharma Down gig live
3. Go somewhere far, alone
4. Come up to a stranger I'm attracted to and tell him/her that I find him/her attractive
5. Design (and pay for) my dream bedroom
6. Read Pride and Prejudice in one day
7. Go on a candlelit dinner date
8. Buy my parents new wedding rings
9. Save 100k
10. Find a man who will love all of me.
2. Watch an Up Dharma Down gig live
3. Go somewhere far, alone
4. Come up to a stranger I'm attracted to and tell him/her that I find him/her attractive
5. Design (and pay for) my dream bedroom
6. Read Pride and Prejudice in one day
7. Go on a candlelit dinner date
8. Buy my parents new wedding rings
9. Save 100k
10. Find a man who will love all of me.
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