Here is the transcript of me and my mother's usual conversation about my love life (translated into English for the benefit of that one Yugoslavian person who lost his way in the intarwebs):
Me: I need a boyfriend.
Mama: You should go out more.
Me: You don't like me going out, remember?
Mama: That's not true. Also, you should look nicer.
Me: What do you mean? I look nice.
Mama: You look like you hate everybody.
Me: You gave me this face.
The conversation goes on and on until we reach the topic of homosexuality, in which my mother asserts her firm belief that there are still handsome, educated, hardworking, 20-something single men who do not go for dudes. Clearly, my mother is still stuck in the wrong era.
I try to explain to her that it's not just my face that's the problem. It's the fact that she brought me up to have really high standards when it comes to men. I mean, my dad wasn't a supermodel lawyer or anything, but he never cheated on us, never drank or smoked, and actually worked for a living. Today, you're lucky if you get 2 out of 3. Actually, you're lucky if you get a dude who's willing to foot the bill at McDonald's (not that I would ever need such a dude, mind you).
Recently, my best friend showed me a list of signs that a girl needs to get laid. One of them was seriously considering being lesbian. I gasp because God knows how many times I've contemplated that route. A part of me thinks I can do it. Yeah sure, I can get it on with a girl. I mean, I like androgyny, anyway. I like pretty hands. I like long hair. So technically speaking, my dream guy is not, in fact, a guy, but a girl with a dick. And strap-ons aren't exactly rare nowadays, so hey, why not?
To test out my theory, I downloaded a "dating" app on my iTouch. I actually didn't expect any girl to find me attractive but after a couple of days, there she was. An actual female sent me a smiley. I sent a winking smiley right back (while internally asking the question "Do lesbians find winks hot?"). It was a nerve-wracking two minutes before she said "Hi." Then, the flirting began. It was...nice. I was a bit freaked out, of course, but girls are actually really fun to flirt with because they don't go straight to talking about how big their penises are. On it went until she asked, "So, you wanna meet up?"
I froze. As in all my fingers stopped moving, and I could feel the air getting trapped in my lungs. In my mind were images of kissing, and touching, and (yes) boobs. I closed the app.
And right then, I truly realized that I was not lesbian. Yet.
I vaguely remember one of the guys I dated before. I told him I had always thought I was bi and he told me that the only way to find out is to imagine performing cunnilingus on someone. If you don't retch, then congratulations, you're a swinger. The moment he said it, I felt like regurgitating the food I just ingested. I should have taken that as a clue.
So now, I am back to my first option. I will be forced to wait for a guy who is 1) straight, 2) has a job, 3) is willing to put up with me.
Ergo, I will be forced to wait forever.