Monday, September 10, 2012

How to Ask A Girl Out

Before anything else, I'd just like to say that these have been tried and tested.  Not saying they have been successful, but they have been tried and tested. A lot of times.

1. Know her name
          You might think me an idiot for even including this here, but you have no idea how many guys fantasize about women they don't even personally know (not including porn stars). It might be the fault of romantic Hollywood movies that have taught us that if you walk around aimlessly for a good amount of time, you are bound to come across the girl of your dreams who, after spilling her things on the sidewalk and allowing you to heroically save her Chapstick from falling into the sewerage, will voluntarily introduce herself to you, sparing you the agony of what-ifs. No. It does not happen.  In real life, the girl will most likely mumble a weak "thanks" and be on her way to meet her real boyfriend. Who is not, and never will be, you.
          So yeah, you might want to actually work on your people skills and make the effort. See someone you think has potential? Come up to her and introduce yourself. Try not to be too creepy, of course (Psychopaths are not sexy, unless I am the girl, in which case, I will have no qualms marrying you with or without the hockey mask). It will be easier if you have a common friend. If the common friend's a girl, also try not to flirt with her. If the common friend's a guy, invite him to the parking lot and proceed to stab him to death. Eliminating the competition is a must.
2. Ask what she likes and like it, too
           Common interests are the way to a girl's heart. Not food. Well okay, food, too. But why would you want to bond over food when you can bond over something less fattening? Music it is, then. Or books. Or hair care products. It doesn't matter. Know what she likes, and force yourself to utter the words "Really? Me too!" Why, you ask? Well, most girls have formed this insane correlation between common interests and soulmate probability. The more common interests you have, the more likely it is for you to be "The One". And your main goal here is to be "The One". Not necessarily "The One She Will Marry and Have Kids With", but something along the lines of "The One She'll Take On A Couple of Dates Before Dumping for a Jock". Take it; don't be choosy.

3. Text her
           How are you going to get to know her if you don't talk to her? The better question is, how will she know you exist if you don't let her know you exist? Communicate, brother. A good morning greet is a perfect way to let her know that you think of her the moment you wake up. A good night greet makes her feel like you care whether she sleeps or not.  Texts at other times of the day tell her that even if you're not breathing down her neck every five minutes, you actually are, only you do it via radio waves (or whatever it is texts travel on). It also tells her that you know where she is at any given minute, and she should stop trying to get the attention of any other guy unless she wants them ambushed.

4. Reply when she texts you
            For girls, guys who do not reply or take 45 minutes to reply only to say "K" is a clear sign of uninterest. So never be that dude.  Reply to her even if she just says "Haha ikr." Think of something witty. Like "Hahaha ikykr" (which means 'I know you know, right?', by the way). Whatever it is, don't make her feel that you don't like talking to her, or that there's something else more important than reading her say "brb". You've got an exam the next day? It doesn't matter; learn to multitask. Your grandfather died? It doesn't matter; he's dead, she's not, end of story. You have no load? It doesn't matter; go out and buy some even if it's 11PM and there's a serial killer lurking in your neighborhood. There's no signal? It doesn't matter; it just doesn't, okay, get the point!
5. Use LOL
            Okay, I need you to listen to this one because this is the most important step. This is where you actually ask your girl out. Without this, this post is just rambling, completely nonsensical, and inappropriately titled. So here goes.
            When you ask the girl out, never EVER forget to use LOL at the end.  LOL is the magical word that will catch your sorry ass in case you get rejected. How so? By adding LOL to your text, you can easily pretend that you weren't really asking her out, she shouldn't take you too seriously, you were obviously just kidding blah blah let's drop this topic right now blah.

Sample interaction:
You: So, I was thinking maybe we should watch a movie together LOL
Her: Um. I don't think I can.
You: LOL It's fine. I was totally joking. LOL
(Use it twice in one sentence, for full jocular effect)

             LOL is still appropriate even if she says yes (in which case, OMG YOU A BADASS MUDAFUCKA FUCK YEAH GIMME SOME). It gives this distinct air of nonchalant confidence, like you honestly don't give a shit if she says no, when in reality, your palms are sweating so much that you have to cover your hands with your shirt as you type your reply. It makes you sound cool and calm, and not at all desperate even though you feel like throwing yourself off a cliff  the moment she friendzones you.

Sample interaction:
You: So, I was thinking maybe we should watch a movie together LOL
Her: Sure haha
You: Great. LOL
(Use LOL again to emphasize that you're chill. Then promptly cry into your pillow in happiness.)

So there you have it. Five easy ways to ask a girl out. If it doesn't work, repeat steps 1-5 on another girl. Or if you're that pathetic, repeat steps 1-5 on the same girl until she runs to the nearest police station to file a blotter on you (and you deserve it, you creeper).

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