Saturday, September 29, 2012

5 Jobs I Would Have Kicked Ass In

There are days that I think I made the wrong decision when I decided to study English.  For one, it would have saved me a lot of stress because I wouldn't have the impulse to mentally parse the utterances of every single person I converse with. I also wouldn't have to pretend that I've read 100 Years of Solitude and actually liked it. During these times, I fantasize about taking up a trade that is wholly unrelated to English Studies.  A trade that actually pays good money and/or lets me wield boundless power over people I abhor. Here are some of them.

1. President of China
          When I was in grade school, I was always voted as class president. Perhaps it was because of my permanent scowl (also known as my face), or my natural tendency to boss around people whom I assumed had lower IQs than me, but without fail, I got elected as president every year. But not only did I exercise my executive powers over those within the four corners of our pink classroom. I reigned over the entire year. Batchmates would come up to me to tell me about being bullied, about their pencil cases being stolen, about accidentally pooping in their pants. And I, their fearsome yet fair leader, would always come to their rescue. I roundhouse kicked the bullies, punched the thieves, and dutifully informed teachers that so-and-so smelled like rotten eggs and it would be in our best interest if somebody just went ahead and called their mother.
           Given this extensive experience in leading highly impressionable children who cannot make their own decisions, I'm pretty sure that being the president of China will come naturally to me.
            It is also my fervent belief that with the guidance of a proper dictator figure, they can finally stop trying to steal other people's countries.

2. President of North Korea
            My explanation for this is pretty much the same as my explanation in the previous point.  The only difference is that my complete ineptitude in Chemistry, Physics, and nuclear weaponry will come in handy in this occupation.  If the North Korean scientists cannot make me understand how fissile material works, I will not let them make any. And that right there, ladies and gentlemen, is the key to world peace.
             I'm a genius, I know.

3. Newscaster
             A taxi driver once told me that I looked like Korina Sanchez.  That's basically where I got the idea.  It has been further reinforced by these three facts: 1) I like to talk, 2) I like to talk nonsense, and 3) I like to talk nonsense in front of a large crowd.  I also lack just the right amount of shame to become successful in this field.  It also helps that I do not mind looking like a doofus while trying to make people believe that whatever I'm saying is right and that those who dare oppose me are morons and should get the fuck out of the country.
             Thank you, teaching profession, for these invaluable traits.

4. Fashion Designer
              There are only two requirements for becoming a legendary fashion designer. The first is you have to like clothes. The second is you actually have to wear them. Check and check.  One does not need talent for this job. I only need money and a super rich financier whose favorite words are "edgy" and "fierce".  In short, the moment I get Tyra Banks to fund my first collection, I can consider myself made.

5. Ninja
              This is all about stealth and developing a high tolerance for breathing with a piece of cloth covering half of your face.  And since I'm small and I live near a bus terminal, I was pretty much born for this job. When I was little (I mean young, because physically, I'm still the size of a 12-year-old), my favorite hobby was to hide from my parents. I'd hide in closets, inside the empty TV cabinet, in between bookshelves, and under windows.  When they didn't catch me, I took pleasure in watching them frantically run around the house for 10 minutes before nonchalantly getting out of my space, saying "What? I'm just here."  When they did catch me, however, I had to make do with getting smacked in the butt.
               Although this type of work does not pay well (unless I get to be a Ninja Assassin, in which case I will be rolling around in tons of money and severed limbs),  I think that I'd choose this above all of the other four.  For one, I'd get to buy a katana. But most of all, I could've not taken any Math subjects and my life would've been perfect.

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