Random Review: Three Musketeers

• A sword and long, wavy hair an action hero do not make.
• I hated Logan Lerman in this movie. I think he's made for sensitive, subdued male roles. He ain't got moves like Jagger.
• It's kind of unsettling to see Orlando Bloom as a villain. I applaud him for trying to expand his repertoire but this whole mustachioed, period movie thing is not working out. The fact that he was a second-rate Jack Sparrow in a frilly collar ruined it for me.
• Arthos dropped his lines like Horatio Caine. After every time he spoke, I was waiting for someone to burst out "YEAH!"
• Also, can somebody please tell Hollywood to quit it with the whole orating-before-killing sequence? Because I seriously just wanted Lerman to die halfway through the movie.
• The film would've been better if Milla Jovovich had gotten to mutilate some zombies.
• Dear scriptwriters, if you're going to end a fight scene with the line "You shouldn't have insulted my horse", go back to film school. Please.
• This film's redemption came in the form of King Louis XIII. "I'm wearing blue!" is the most awkwardly funny line ever.
• I'd tap Juno Temple for 50 bucks. No wait, I'd pay you 50 bucks to make me tap Juno Temple.
• This movie is proof that 3D does nothing to make "real people" movies better. I have a theory that it actually does the opposite.
• You know it's a bad flick when the only person making sense (i.e. by refusing to sail a ship through a storm cloud the size of Kansas) gets shot in the face.
• I don't know this from experience, but I'm pretty sure it's scientifically proven that when you stick a sword into somebody's spleen, they will bleed. Hence, the lack of blood in this movie is quite disturbing.
• Three Musketeers is a metaphor for fashion-forward people. All style, no substance.
• I'm giving this movie a 3 out of 10 for three reasons: cinematography, costumes, and the surprisingly entertaining fat sidekick.

October Playlist

A mix of indie and not-so-indie. And when I say mix, I mean mix.

1. One Republic - Secrets
2. Our Lady Peace - Is Anybody Home?
3. Sleater-Kinney - Entertain
4. Cynthia Alexander - Motorbykle
5. Tilly and the Wall - Pot Kettle Black
6. The Breeders - Cannonball
7. Jens Leckman - Your Arms Around Me

Random Review: Real Steel

• I don't know why but I'm more amazed at the SFX used in this movie than in Transformers (the sequels, at least). Maybe it's because they scaled it down to look more realistic. Or maybe because Real Steel didn't involve demolishing half of New York.
• I like Hugh Jackman. But I still couldn't wrap my head around the fact that he's married to her. 
• Dakota Goyo is a promising young actor.  Anyone who can match Wolverine's swagger and can teach a robot how to dance has a future in Hollywood.
• I like that the movie didn't go down the Bicentennial Man route. Me want no cry.
• I appreciate it when producers are able to stop themselves from injecting kissing scenes every five minutes. Sex sells, yes, but I'd rather it doesn't in a robot boxing movie. 
• Evangeline Lilly is one of the few actresses that can manage to look sexy without flashing her cleavage every two seconds. Also, is it just me or does she look a lot like Jessica Biel?
• People who want to watch UFC but do not want flying bloody teeth better hope some crazy Japanese scientist figures out a way to make this movie a reality.
• I am in love with Hugh Jackman's cellphone. Fuck yeah transparency!
• LOL at subtle product replacements.
• The people who conceptualized the robot designs deserve an award. That kind of creativity and innovation should always be recognized.
• This movie makes me want to brutalize our washing machine and turn it into a sumo wrestler.
• Everything is more fun when your theater seat vibrates to the beat of robot punches. This is 4D, noobs.
• I don't want to admit it, but Real Steel reminded me of Pacquiao. Or the Filipino people in general. Digged up from the mud of society and working our way up the big arena of life. We might not be the biggest, toughest, most armed race out there, but like what Jackman said, we're gonna go down swingin'.
• Rating: 8 out of 10. I would have made it a 9 if Hugh took his shirt off more often.

Poetry Fix Yay

I've decided to compile every piece of fiction/poetry I've posted all throughout the years. As a back-up, I'm going to post some of the more recent here.  These are for the 100 Loves Compilation.

Reflecting (9/15/11)

There are days that I'd like you to be a mirror. So that when I look at you, our longing is equal. When I reach out to you, our want is the same. And when I show you the concave swells of fat on my belly, you do not make it smaller. You let my scars stay where they are.

But there are days that I wouldn't like you to be a mirror. So that when I turn my back on you, you still face me. And when I tell you I love you, you don't just mouth the words.

Daydreaming (9/12/11)

To sleep perchance to dream

of him. Of us. Of the places

we have never been

but are.

Where everything is

what I think of.

He sits with me, and

we eat

whatever we want

whenever we want.

Where happiness is just

a mind’s turn away

from reality.

There is such a place

and there is none.

Fluff and clouds and blur and

coffee that we stir

forever. Never growing cold.

Never growing old.

Where there’s a heart;

it is shared, like two halves

of a bun.

One for you.

Won for me.

To sleep perchance to dream.

Of him.

Review: Zombadings 1: Patayin sa Shokot si Remington

Zombadings 1: Patayin sa Shokot si Remington is an Origin8 Media production directed by Jade Castro. It's not from a huge company, nor is it affiliated with a network.  It cannot lure people in with an 80s love song title or a crying John Lloyd Cruz. It lures people in with a promise of originality, solid acting, and over-the-top humor.  And for the most part, it delivers. In fact, I cannot wait for Part 2. With that said, here are my two cents on what they should keep and change in the next movie.

What to Keep


1. Most of the cast.  Roderick Paulate was brilliant. Compelling and scary most of the time, yet campy and self-deprecating when necessary. Theater actress Angelina Kanapi was just as effective in film as she was on stage.  Her humor translated well and she did not fall into the pit of over-acting, something that was very easy to do given the concept of the film.  The eccentricity of her character mixed well with Janice De Belen's deadpan approach to her role as chief of police. Martin Escudero also proved that he had the comedic chops and the acting range to take on such an unusual breakout role.  Sure, there were moments in the beginning where I felt his delivery was a bit unconvincing, but he got better (and funnier) as the movie rolled along.  Kerbie Zamora was also fantastic in his far from virginal role as Remington's "best friend".  He and Martin had palpable chemistry that made me squirm in my seat.  This goes to show that if before, actors got initiated into the industry by playing male prostitutes, now it seems that aspiring male stars are made to swap saliva with fellow male stars. I highly approve of this development.

And oh yeah, Eugene Domingo in roller blades and John Regala in drag. Need I say more?

2.  Originality seems to be a pipe dream for the Philippine movie industry nowadays, given the endless parade of bad flicks with worse sequels and half-baked film school garbage masquerading as indie.  But here we have something that works.  According to director Jade Castro (I did not interview him, I eavesdropped on somebody who was interviewing him), the inspiration for Zombadings came from real events.  While with Raymond Lee, one of the writers of Zombadings, they passed by a kid who had the chutzpah to call Raymond "bakla" (I know right, whatever gave him that idea? /sarcasm). Anyhow, I supposed it all started from there.  The storyline seems pretty tight overall and for once, I personally wouldn't mind standing in line for the sequel.

3. Bekimon. The subtitles made me feel like I was watching a movie selected for Cannes. Bekimon sounds like an unknown, ancient, and probably alien relative of the romance languages.  If I were a French dude in the audience, I'd be like, "What is this language? I must learn it, quick!" It also adds authenticity to the colorful gay culture being propagated in the film.  I'd love to go into a more detailed sociolinguistic analysis of this, but I don't want you to get more bored that you already are.

4. Call it political, subversive, whatever you like, but the truth of the matter is that this movie is plainly asking the public for equal treatment of homosexuals. It is pretty obvious, isn't it? Well, I suppose some people wouldn't notice that much since they were too busy trying not to cough up their livers from laughing too much, but there you go.  I particularly liked the fact that the positions of power in the movie were given to women (chief of police) and lesbians (mayor), and the villains who purportedly were straight and had a particular hatred of gays turned out to be "green-blooded", too.  Zombadings has a strong stance on acceptance, tolerance, and understanding; three things that the present society clearly lacks. Hopefully, the fake blood and costume make-up does not distract the observant viewer from going beyond this film's antics.  Because quite frankly, it is what makes this movie worth the watch.


What to Change


1. Lauren Young. I apologize to Lauren's fans but her performance did not stick with me.  I did not have empathy for her, nor did I want her to end up with Remington even when he was straight. She delivers her lines with the half-heartedness of someone who was tired and just wanted to go home.  I was so bored with her that I'd rather have Remington end up with Georgia (the gay help in Remington's family's panciteria) or a flesh-eating zombie.  Lauren looked like a fish out of water beside Martin and Kerbie.  If she was a plant in Plants VS Zombies, she'd be a sunflower. Not that she gave off sunlight, but that she would be the easiest to kill.

2. Editing. The cuts were a bit sloppy and there were some scenes where after the transition, my friend and I were like, "Wait, what?"  It's not a particularly big deal, I'm just a bit anal about flow and I don't like it when scenes aren't sewn together seamlessly.  But you know, a half-naked Kerbie Zamora more than made up for that. I am very easily appeased.

3. Zombie fight scenes. The last third of the film was a bit harder to manage, I presume, what with all the homosexuals clawing out of their graves and all that, but I did feel that the action was not all there.  If we took out the soundtrack, the sequences would've looked like something out of a Halloween home video. The scene with the mayor fighting a zombie was ridiculous.  She runs into a zombie while holding a large, golden trophy. You'd think that she'd use that to bash the flesh-eater's brains in, but no. She puts it down carefully and wrestles the zombie with her bare hands. So it's either Mayor wanted to show how macho she is or she had a death wish. There was also this scene where Kerbie used the palawit (crap, I don't know what they're called) to tie up two zombadings.  Wow, two undead gays powerful enough to strangle a woman to death can't escape bonds made with plastic string. Hm. My friend said I was overthinking it. Maybe I was. After all, it was a comedy. I don't know, I guess I just expected something with a little bit more effort, seeing that most of the movie had been well-thought of.  But oh well, papel.  With all the witty repartee going on, it was very hard to nitpick.

All in all, I give Zombadings 8.75 out of 10. Watch it, live it, watch it again.  I sure as hell will.


PS. I would like to thank Inquirer Libre for my premiere night tickets. I had the time of my life. Hey, maybe next time, you can give me free tickets again so I can write another review.

Or not. :)


PPS. Don't forget to visit my fashion blog: fashion-real.blogspot.com; I will be updating very soon. :)

Lucky

I have never won a lot of luck-based contests in my life.  Competitions, yes; contests, no.  I'd like to think it's the Universe telling me that I can get what I want through sheer talent and won't need luck to win (because I seriously don't want to mull over the idea that I might simply be unlucky).

So it was a huge surprise that I won the Zombadings contest of Inquirer Libre.  I got four tickets to the premiere (premiere!!!) of the movie. Meaning I can ask for Eugene Domingo's autograph and probably have enough courage to ask Kerbie Zamora to take a picture with me.  And did I mention that this would all be going down on my mother's birthday? Yes. We'll have a lunch buffet at Dad's and then off to the showing.  It's going to be a really, really good Tuesday. The only thing left for me to do is decide on what to wear.

Speaking of clothes, don't forget to visit my fashion blog http://fashion-real.blogspot.com. I'll update later tonight. :)

Random Review: Conan the Barbarian

I think I'm better at being random so here goes:

• Jason Momoa has really nice armpits.
• Rose McGowan is a bad villain. Or just a bad actress in general.
• The CGI was okay, although it wasn't as polished as, let's say, The Rise of The Planet of The Apes. The tentacle monster thing was made obviously fake by 3D.
• Seeing Conan's dad give his wife an impromptu ceasarean was interesting, to say the least.
• When you've already rated the movie R-13, DON'T CUT. If people don't heed the warning, then that's their fault. Stupid censorship is stupid.
• The incestuous undertones between Khalar Zym and Mariq  is not as disturbing as the octopus mask of power. Yes, that's how weird it is.
• Watching the Conan and Tamara "love story" unfold is like reading a PWP ("Plot, what plot"; fanfiction term). Who cares about the story as long as there is sex inside a cave? And a shot of Jason's incredibly toned gluteus maximus?
• Seriously though, the love angle? No, not working.
• Also, stop casting African-American men as sidekicks who are not even in the best part of the movie. It's insulting.
• Did I already mention how annoying the cuts are? Okay, good.
• The blood spatter action was crayzeh. It's either these people are incredibly strong or ancient humans were made of watermelons.
• This movie, for some reason, made me want to see what would happen if the bad guys won. And they could've, if they didn't waste a lot of time orating.
• I think the scriptwriters of Conan used to work for FPJ Productions.
• A weak premise produces a weak movie, no matter how much you spend on special effects.
• I rate this movie 6.5/10. 3 for my love of Jason + 2 for the gore + 1.5 for the free popcorn I got. C'mon, if I started a review with an observation about armpits, you shouldn't have expected too much.