Random Review: Three Musketeers

• A sword and long, wavy hair an action hero do not make.
• I hated Logan Lerman in this movie. I think he's made for sensitive, subdued male roles. He ain't got moves like Jagger.
• It's kind of unsettling to see Orlando Bloom as a villain. I applaud him for trying to expand his repertoire but this whole mustachioed, period movie thing is not working out. The fact that he was a second-rate Jack Sparrow in a frilly collar ruined it for me.
• Arthos dropped his lines like Horatio Caine. After every time he spoke, I was waiting for someone to burst out "YEAH!"
• Also, can somebody please tell Hollywood to quit it with the whole orating-before-killing sequence? Because I seriously just wanted Lerman to die halfway through the movie.
• The film would've been better if Milla Jovovich had gotten to mutilate some zombies.
• Dear scriptwriters, if you're going to end a fight scene with the line "You shouldn't have insulted my horse", go back to film school. Please.
• This film's redemption came in the form of King Louis XIII. "I'm wearing blue!" is the most awkwardly funny line ever.
• I'd tap Juno Temple for 50 bucks. No wait, I'd pay you 50 bucks to make me tap Juno Temple.
• This movie is proof that 3D does nothing to make "real people" movies better. I have a theory that it actually does the opposite.
• You know it's a bad flick when the only person making sense (i.e. by refusing to sail a ship through a storm cloud the size of Kansas) gets shot in the face.
• I don't know this from experience, but I'm pretty sure it's scientifically proven that when you stick a sword into somebody's spleen, they will bleed. Hence, the lack of blood in this movie is quite disturbing.
• Three Musketeers is a metaphor for fashion-forward people. All style, no substance.
• I'm giving this movie a 3 out of 10 for three reasons: cinematography, costumes, and the surprisingly entertaining fat sidekick.