Random Review: Expendables 2

Literally got dragged into the cinema. It was free so *shrug*.

• If you're looking for a plot, don't watch this movie.
• If you're looking for well-rounded characters, don't watch this movie.
• If you're looking for guns and guts, watch this movie.
• If you're looking for killing sprees, watch this movie.
• If you're--- okay, you get my point.
• OMG LOOK IT'S CHUCK NORRIS.
• I don't know why, but every time I see Liam Hemsworth, I think of Miley Cyrus' teeth.
• Whenever a lead character in an action movie decides to stop being an action star, he dies. That's just the way life is.
• The dialogue was--- wait, was I about to talk about the dialogue? Sorry, I forgot that there wasn't any. Let's move along.
• It's funny how Dolph Lundgren's intellect was acknowledged in this movie. So I suppose it's now safe to say that yes, I've had a crush on him ever since I could remember. No judging.
• OMG LOOK IT'S CHUCK NORRIS.
• OMG LOOK IT'S CHUCK NORRIS AND THE KING COBRA JOKE.
• Jet Li sounds like his lungs are full of helium.
• Terry Crews, no matter how huge his biceps become, will always be that dude from White Chicks who sang A Thousand Miles. But I got mad respect for this brotha. Mad respect.
• NO SRSLY LOOK IT'S CHUCK NORRIS.
• Let us take this moment to acknowledge the epicness of Chuck Norris.
• While we're at it, let's take this other moment, too.
• And oh, right, Stallone's also in the movie.
• And uh Van Damme. Yeah.
• CHUCK NORRIS!!!!1!!!!1ELEVENTY111!!1!

Another Movie List

Just to keep in track of the things I really want to see.

W.E. - The love affair of Wallis Simpson and Edward VIII. It's directed by Madonna so I'm expecting a really polished finished product. As a sucker for "royalty" movies, I am actually quite excited.

Girl with a Dragon Tattoo - Rooney Mara looks unhinged, so points for that. Haven't read the book yet; perhaps this will make me change my mind.

Jane Eyre - Mia Wasikowska as the lead. I loved the book so we'll see how this classic is rendered into modern film.

Young Adult - The idea of Charlize Theron playing a lazy bum (like me) looks really promising. No Oscar nods here but it's interesting to see an actor who has been stereotyped into serious roles take a risk with a comedic one. I'd like to see if she pulls it off (judging from the trailer, I think she does).

Ezra Miller

Very seldom do we encounter actors who, at such a young age, display the gumption and depth of men who have lived twice their age. And when one does encounter such an actor, one cannot help but be awed.

I'm talking about Ezra Miller.  I don't think I'm as good a writer as to fully describe this person's brilliancy at portrayal, so you might just have to watch his movies to see for yourself.  Try "We Need to Talk about Kevin" on for size. Based on a novel, it's a story about how a mother copes with her mass-murdering son and the consequences of his actions. Needless to say, it is not a happy movie. You will leave it exhausted and seriously questioning the innate goodness of human nature. You will, however, have no doubt with regard to Miller's raw talent. It's there. Definitely.  And even though "Kevin" is not exactly a perky indie movie, I found myself watching an older work of his: "Another Happy Day", which, to no surprise, is ironically titled. In this film, he plays a drug addict, fresh out of rehab, and on his way to his stepbrother's wedding.  The rest of his family is so far from ideal that I actually went and hugged my mother after watching the movie. I told her I was grateful that her level of crazy does not go beyond Ellen Barkin's. She told me she did not know who Ellen Barkin was, to which I replied, "Good".

Ezra Miller is starting out dark. It seems his roles lean towards a skewed antithesis of the Oedipal complex. But he is starting off strong. I'd like to see what his next move would be. Because I know for a fact that even though his films make me want to cut my wrists, I am just as desperate to see him cut his. Figuratively and otherwise.

Next Attractions

Movies to Watch:


My Week with Marilyn 
- Stars Michelle Williams as Marilyn Monroe. Very interested in seeing if she pulled it off and if I should cry if she does not win the Oscar.
Anonymous 
- A movie on whether Shakespeare really did exist. Reviews are not good, but my English Major heart's want is strong.
Sleeping Beauty 
- This is not the fairy tale. Stars the gorgeous Emily Browning as a pseudo(semi?) prostitute. Art film that apparently has less nudity than expected.
Iron Lady
- Meryl Streep as Margaret Thatcher. And because Meryl is my favorite actress of all time, this movie being on my list needs no explanation.

Random Review: Three Musketeers

• A sword and long, wavy hair an action hero do not make.
• I hated Logan Lerman in this movie. I think he's made for sensitive, subdued male roles. He ain't got moves like Jagger.
• It's kind of unsettling to see Orlando Bloom as a villain. I applaud him for trying to expand his repertoire but this whole mustachioed, period movie thing is not working out. The fact that he was a second-rate Jack Sparrow in a frilly collar ruined it for me.
• Arthos dropped his lines like Horatio Caine. After every time he spoke, I was waiting for someone to burst out "YEAH!"
• Also, can somebody please tell Hollywood to quit it with the whole orating-before-killing sequence? Because I seriously just wanted Lerman to die halfway through the movie.
• The film would've been better if Milla Jovovich had gotten to mutilate some zombies.
• Dear scriptwriters, if you're going to end a fight scene with the line "You shouldn't have insulted my horse", go back to film school. Please.
• This film's redemption came in the form of King Louis XIII. "I'm wearing blue!" is the most awkwardly funny line ever.
• I'd tap Juno Temple for 50 bucks. No wait, I'd pay you 50 bucks to make me tap Juno Temple.
• This movie is proof that 3D does nothing to make "real people" movies better. I have a theory that it actually does the opposite.
• You know it's a bad flick when the only person making sense (i.e. by refusing to sail a ship through a storm cloud the size of Kansas) gets shot in the face.
• I don't know this from experience, but I'm pretty sure it's scientifically proven that when you stick a sword into somebody's spleen, they will bleed. Hence, the lack of blood in this movie is quite disturbing.
• Three Musketeers is a metaphor for fashion-forward people. All style, no substance.
• I'm giving this movie a 3 out of 10 for three reasons: cinematography, costumes, and the surprisingly entertaining fat sidekick.

Random Review: Real Steel

• I don't know why but I'm more amazed at the SFX used in this movie than in Transformers (the sequels, at least). Maybe it's because they scaled it down to look more realistic. Or maybe because Real Steel didn't involve demolishing half of New York.
• I like Hugh Jackman. But I still couldn't wrap my head around the fact that he's married to her. 
• Dakota Goyo is a promising young actor.  Anyone who can match Wolverine's swagger and can teach a robot how to dance has a future in Hollywood.
• I like that the movie didn't go down the Bicentennial Man route. Me want no cry.
• I appreciate it when producers are able to stop themselves from injecting kissing scenes every five minutes. Sex sells, yes, but I'd rather it doesn't in a robot boxing movie. 
• Evangeline Lilly is one of the few actresses that can manage to look sexy without flashing her cleavage every two seconds. Also, is it just me or does she look a lot like Jessica Biel?
• People who want to watch UFC but do not want flying bloody teeth better hope some crazy Japanese scientist figures out a way to make this movie a reality.
• I am in love with Hugh Jackman's cellphone. Fuck yeah transparency!
• LOL at subtle product replacements.
• The people who conceptualized the robot designs deserve an award. That kind of creativity and innovation should always be recognized.
• This movie makes me want to brutalize our washing machine and turn it into a sumo wrestler.
• Everything is more fun when your theater seat vibrates to the beat of robot punches. This is 4D, noobs.
• I don't want to admit it, but Real Steel reminded me of Pacquiao. Or the Filipino people in general. Digged up from the mud of society and working our way up the big arena of life. We might not be the biggest, toughest, most armed race out there, but like what Jackman said, we're gonna go down swingin'.
• Rating: 8 out of 10. I would have made it a 9 if Hugh took his shirt off more often.

Review: Zombadings 1: Patayin sa Shokot si Remington

Zombadings 1: Patayin sa Shokot si Remington is an Origin8 Media production directed by Jade Castro. It's not from a huge company, nor is it affiliated with a network.  It cannot lure people in with an 80s love song title or a crying John Lloyd Cruz. It lures people in with a promise of originality, solid acting, and over-the-top humor.  And for the most part, it delivers. In fact, I cannot wait for Part 2. With that said, here are my two cents on what they should keep and change in the next movie.

What to Keep


1. Most of the cast.  Roderick Paulate was brilliant. Compelling and scary most of the time, yet campy and self-deprecating when necessary. Theater actress Angelina Kanapi was just as effective in film as she was on stage.  Her humor translated well and she did not fall into the pit of over-acting, something that was very easy to do given the concept of the film.  The eccentricity of her character mixed well with Janice De Belen's deadpan approach to her role as chief of police. Martin Escudero also proved that he had the comedic chops and the acting range to take on such an unusual breakout role.  Sure, there were moments in the beginning where I felt his delivery was a bit unconvincing, but he got better (and funnier) as the movie rolled along.  Kerbie Zamora was also fantastic in his far from virginal role as Remington's "best friend".  He and Martin had palpable chemistry that made me squirm in my seat.  This goes to show that if before, actors got initiated into the industry by playing male prostitutes, now it seems that aspiring male stars are made to swap saliva with fellow male stars. I highly approve of this development.

And oh yeah, Eugene Domingo in roller blades and John Regala in drag. Need I say more?

2.  Originality seems to be a pipe dream for the Philippine movie industry nowadays, given the endless parade of bad flicks with worse sequels and half-baked film school garbage masquerading as indie.  But here we have something that works.  According to director Jade Castro (I did not interview him, I eavesdropped on somebody who was interviewing him), the inspiration for Zombadings came from real events.  While with Raymond Lee, one of the writers of Zombadings, they passed by a kid who had the chutzpah to call Raymond "bakla" (I know right, whatever gave him that idea? /sarcasm). Anyhow, I supposed it all started from there.  The storyline seems pretty tight overall and for once, I personally wouldn't mind standing in line for the sequel.

3. Bekimon. The subtitles made me feel like I was watching a movie selected for Cannes. Bekimon sounds like an unknown, ancient, and probably alien relative of the romance languages.  If I were a French dude in the audience, I'd be like, "What is this language? I must learn it, quick!" It also adds authenticity to the colorful gay culture being propagated in the film.  I'd love to go into a more detailed sociolinguistic analysis of this, but I don't want you to get more bored that you already are.

4. Call it political, subversive, whatever you like, but the truth of the matter is that this movie is plainly asking the public for equal treatment of homosexuals. It is pretty obvious, isn't it? Well, I suppose some people wouldn't notice that much since they were too busy trying not to cough up their livers from laughing too much, but there you go.  I particularly liked the fact that the positions of power in the movie were given to women (chief of police) and lesbians (mayor), and the villains who purportedly were straight and had a particular hatred of gays turned out to be "green-blooded", too.  Zombadings has a strong stance on acceptance, tolerance, and understanding; three things that the present society clearly lacks. Hopefully, the fake blood and costume make-up does not distract the observant viewer from going beyond this film's antics.  Because quite frankly, it is what makes this movie worth the watch.


What to Change


1. Lauren Young. I apologize to Lauren's fans but her performance did not stick with me.  I did not have empathy for her, nor did I want her to end up with Remington even when he was straight. She delivers her lines with the half-heartedness of someone who was tired and just wanted to go home.  I was so bored with her that I'd rather have Remington end up with Georgia (the gay help in Remington's family's panciteria) or a flesh-eating zombie.  Lauren looked like a fish out of water beside Martin and Kerbie.  If she was a plant in Plants VS Zombies, she'd be a sunflower. Not that she gave off sunlight, but that she would be the easiest to kill.

2. Editing. The cuts were a bit sloppy and there were some scenes where after the transition, my friend and I were like, "Wait, what?"  It's not a particularly big deal, I'm just a bit anal about flow and I don't like it when scenes aren't sewn together seamlessly.  But you know, a half-naked Kerbie Zamora more than made up for that. I am very easily appeased.

3. Zombie fight scenes. The last third of the film was a bit harder to manage, I presume, what with all the homosexuals clawing out of their graves and all that, but I did feel that the action was not all there.  If we took out the soundtrack, the sequences would've looked like something out of a Halloween home video. The scene with the mayor fighting a zombie was ridiculous.  She runs into a zombie while holding a large, golden trophy. You'd think that she'd use that to bash the flesh-eater's brains in, but no. She puts it down carefully and wrestles the zombie with her bare hands. So it's either Mayor wanted to show how macho she is or she had a death wish. There was also this scene where Kerbie used the palawit (crap, I don't know what they're called) to tie up two zombadings.  Wow, two undead gays powerful enough to strangle a woman to death can't escape bonds made with plastic string. Hm. My friend said I was overthinking it. Maybe I was. After all, it was a comedy. I don't know, I guess I just expected something with a little bit more effort, seeing that most of the movie had been well-thought of.  But oh well, papel.  With all the witty repartee going on, it was very hard to nitpick.

All in all, I give Zombadings 8.75 out of 10. Watch it, live it, watch it again.  I sure as hell will.


PS. I would like to thank Inquirer Libre for my premiere night tickets. I had the time of my life. Hey, maybe next time, you can give me free tickets again so I can write another review.

Or not. :)


PPS. Don't forget to visit my fashion blog: fashion-real.blogspot.com; I will be updating very soon. :)

Lucky

I have never won a lot of luck-based contests in my life.  Competitions, yes; contests, no.  I'd like to think it's the Universe telling me that I can get what I want through sheer talent and won't need luck to win (because I seriously don't want to mull over the idea that I might simply be unlucky).

So it was a huge surprise that I won the Zombadings contest of Inquirer Libre.  I got four tickets to the premiere (premiere!!!) of the movie. Meaning I can ask for Eugene Domingo's autograph and probably have enough courage to ask Kerbie Zamora to take a picture with me.  And did I mention that this would all be going down on my mother's birthday? Yes. We'll have a lunch buffet at Dad's and then off to the showing.  It's going to be a really, really good Tuesday. The only thing left for me to do is decide on what to wear.

Speaking of clothes, don't forget to visit my fashion blog http://fashion-real.blogspot.com. I'll update later tonight. :)

Random Review: Conan the Barbarian

I think I'm better at being random so here goes:

• Jason Momoa has really nice armpits.
• Rose McGowan is a bad villain. Or just a bad actress in general.
• The CGI was okay, although it wasn't as polished as, let's say, The Rise of The Planet of The Apes. The tentacle monster thing was made obviously fake by 3D.
• Seeing Conan's dad give his wife an impromptu ceasarean was interesting, to say the least.
• When you've already rated the movie R-13, DON'T CUT. If people don't heed the warning, then that's their fault. Stupid censorship is stupid.
• The incestuous undertones between Khalar Zym and Mariq  is not as disturbing as the octopus mask of power. Yes, that's how weird it is.
• Watching the Conan and Tamara "love story" unfold is like reading a PWP ("Plot, what plot"; fanfiction term). Who cares about the story as long as there is sex inside a cave? And a shot of Jason's incredibly toned gluteus maximus?
• Seriously though, the love angle? No, not working.
• Also, stop casting African-American men as sidekicks who are not even in the best part of the movie. It's insulting.
• Did I already mention how annoying the cuts are? Okay, good.
• The blood spatter action was crayzeh. It's either these people are incredibly strong or ancient humans were made of watermelons.
• This movie, for some reason, made me want to see what would happen if the bad guys won. And they could've, if they didn't waste a lot of time orating.
• I think the scriptwriters of Conan used to work for FPJ Productions.
• A weak premise produces a weak movie, no matter how much you spend on special effects.
• I rate this movie 6.5/10. 3 for my love of Jason + 2 for the gore + 1.5 for the free popcorn I got. C'mon, if I started a review with an observation about armpits, you shouldn't have expected too much.

My Benny

Tinker, Tailor, Soldier, Spy

I have been obsessed with Gary Oldman since I started reading Hermione/Sirius fics a while ago (do not get me started on this because I can't even explain it myself). Watched Sid and Nancy and some other movies he was in. I can't seem to accept the fact that I have gotten a fondness for much older men.

But then there is Benedict Cumberbatch, the current Prince Charming in my daydreams. Since Sherlock, he has just done nothing but reduce me to a puddle of goo when I see him act. Did you know that I play the Sherlock episodes not to watch the show but just to hear him speak? I am intense, it's crazy.

Anyhow, after forever, I have downloaded Atonement coz I found out he's in it. Will watch it now even though it's way past my bedtime.

Deathly Hallows Part 2 in a Jumbled Nutshell

I've been finding it hard to be coherent these past few months, so this attempt at reviewing the movie that marked the end of my childhood is just a testament to how worse I've gotten.

Let's do it in bullet points to compensate for the chaos.

•  If you watch the movie just once, you're going to miss a lot of things. One contributing factor would be your noisy and continuous crying. Or was that just me?
•  Helena Bonham Carter portrayed Hermione so well you'd think Emma Watson just put on an HBC rubbersuit to do the scene. The Academy should consider an award for Best Impersonation.
• Speaking of Oscars, Alan Rickman should get one. No, make it 8--- one for each HP movie because he was just that awesome. That breakdown in Godric's Hollow broke my heart into molecules.
• They could've made Fred's death more canon. There are a lot of things I'd like to change in the books (I'm a Dramione shipper, after all), but Fred's last scene was one of those moments that you just HAD to stick with. The crying in the Great Hall right after was okay, but the impact was just not there anymore.
• They said Ron and Hermione's kiss was THE MOST anticipated kiss in the series. Uhm. No. That wasn't even a kiss. For all we know it was just Rupert pressing his forehead on Emma's. We only got to see the back of his head, for crying out loud. Red hair and kissy noises a real kiss do not make.
• Neville is hot. I never thought I would say it, but there it is.
• Did you see Oliver Wood? Yeah, I didn't, too. But he was that bloke on the broomstick.
• Jade Gordon, Tom Felton's real life gf, played Draco's wife, Astoria. The books never mentioned who Draco married so now we know. But it's not like it matters to me. I still pretend the Epilogue never happened.
• LOL at Harry 19 years later. They made him look like he was 50.
• More LOL at Ron and his beer belly.
• Call me creepy but Scabior still makes me horny. Sure, they made him fall from a disintegrating bridge but he was still hot. I'd Arresto Momentum that ass and tap it good. Nick Moran, call me.
• Daniel Radcliffe was being a git when he declined to wear green contacts for HP. He ruined the King's Cross scene. I don't understand how he agrees to take all of his clothes off in Broadway but not wear contacts that are PIVOTAL to the story that made him a millionaire. Diva.
• Ron and Hermione still feels forced. Either that or the hardcore Harmony-shipping producers in the franchise had their way too much coughKlovescough.
• Why did they make the last movie the shortest of the eight? It makes no sense. There should've been more fight scenes to highlight the extent of the sacrifice of everyone. I know it's Harry's story but come on, what's another five minutes of CGI asskicking?
• Is it just me or the actor who played James Potter looks NOTHING like Daniel Radcliffe?
• The kid who plays Albus Severus Potter is hot. Pedo alert!
• Warwick Davis is better than half of the normal-sized actors out there. He was Flitwick. He was Griphook. Did you notice? No. Because he's good.

That's about all that I can remember. I might add some more points when I think of some but for now, I'm going to focus on reading FanFiction while in Post Potter Depression. See ya.

This is not a Review. Yet.

I just came back from watching Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 2. I am still processing the last two hours of my childhood so please bear with me. I'll come up with something soon.

In the meantime, I'd like to announce that I am on Twitter now: https://twitter.com/#!/xxiiilxxxvi. Emma Watson made me do it. Well, not directly but you get my point. Anyhow, nobody really reads this so it's okay.

But just in case though, feel free to "follow" me (whatever that means) and I'll return the favor.

Transformers 3: The Dark Side of the Moon

Just like most summer action blockbusters slated to be released this year, Transformers 3 is  an ambitious, visually stimulating yet intellect-insulting roller coaster ride. Which is why hordes of people want to watch it. And I did, too. I just resigned from my job and I think I owe my brain 2 hours and 45 minutes of shut down time to recuperate.

The thing is though, my mind still refuses to shut up even if I want it to hibernate. So here are some of the few questions I came up with while rubbing my aching neck:

1. Where did the twin Autobots from the previous movie go? And where the hell are the new ones from?
2.  9 Autobots VS 340894280 Decepticons = Say what?
3. What happened to the other Decepticons in the other parts of the world? Did they get sucked back into Cybertron?
4. If the Decepticons said they needed human slaves, then why the hell did it look like they were killing everyone?
5. If Megatron was so strong in the beginning, then why did he let Sentinel bitch him around?
6. Is Optimus Prime contractually bound to give out the moral lessons before and after every film?
7. Why does Spielberg have to ruin every movie with a lame kiss at the end?
8. How could Rose Huntington-Whiteley run around without ruining her heels?
9. Can I turn back time and just waste my 300 bucks on a bag of Lays and 2 beers?