The Disadvantages of Having A Male Best Friend

1. Everyone thinks you're dating. Even the people you're actually dating.
2. "You look so good together!" comments. We look good. Period.
3. When meeting potential dates, he has to just straight up pretend he's gay coz if he doesn't, they'll ask, anyway. "Oh he's straight? But you're not gettin' jiggy? You sure he's straight?" Yes, Brian. Also, you're not getting a second date.
4. You know his mom and hence have become the unwilling conveyor of mommy reminders. "Tita says you should buy clothes that aren't black. Also sleep early."
5. Random people, like let's say a Turkish kebab vendor, suddenly think they have a say in your spousal choices. "Oh, where's your wife from? You're not married? Well, you should be." Unless you're paying for the destination wedding, no thanks.
6. When you say, "We're just friends," people complete the sentence with: "...but with benefits?" Oh I wish. I wish we had benefits. And by benefits, I mean health insurance and pension.
7. When you go out and want to meet people, one has to purposely wander away to increase both of your likelihood to succeed. It sucks because you wanna spend time with your best friend AND also maybe meet the love of your life.
8. When you casually mention that you've had sleepovers at his house, everyone gives you *that* look. Like you're both 15 and have no control over hormones.
9. Even after making a list like this, you will convince absolutely no one that you're not together.

November Playlist: George Ezra Edition

I don’t know how he does it, but his songs are like capsules that hold my powdery memories. Every time I listen, it’s as though I’m swallowing a pill and letting my cells soak in the hazy film.

1. Budapest (“But for you I’d leave it all”)
2. Drawing Board (“Lately I’m a heartache, I’m a desperate plan in hand, I’m a blueprint in the sand”)
3. Blame It On Me (“What you waiting for?”)
4. Don’t Matter Now (“Well it won’t last and it won’t stand, It don’t matter now”)
5. Shotgun (“The sun it changed, in the atmosphere, architecture unfamiliar, I can get used to do this”)
6. All My Love (“All my love is yours, all my time is ours, all my reckless dreams and my restless hours”)

 Listen to these in order. Go on.

Baket List

Updating this list is bittersweet because I am sure I will die alone and unloved.

1. Visit all UP campuses
           UP Diliman
           UP Baguio
           UP Los Banos
           UP Cebu
2. Watch an Up Dharma Down gig live
3. Go somewhere far, alone
4. Come up to a stranger I'm attracted to and tell him/her that I find him/her attractive
5. Design (and pay for) my dream bedroom
6. Read Pride and Prejudice in one day
7. Go on a candlelit dinner date
8. Buy my parents new wedding rings
9. Save 100k
10. Find a man who will love all of me
11. Go to a gay bar.

Apparently, the straight guys that do exist and like me, don't really love me, and they leave me anyway because my all will never be enough for anyone. I don't know why I'm even trying.

December 2014 Wishlists

December Wishlists a.k.a. Hi Mom and Dad, I love you.

The Idealistic Wishlist:

1. A mini sewing machine
2. A camera
3. A ticket to Japan
4. A ticket to Australia
5. My PhD diploma

The Realistic Wishlist:

1. Three cans of Pringles
2. Two new blazers
3. Adidas sneakers
4. A day of sleep
5. A grade of 3.0 and above for both my PhD subjects this term.

Although on second thought, the last one probably belongs to the first list.

My Awesome List

My best friend Kat challenged me to think of ten things I like about myself and then write them on my blog. If she had asked me to do this five months ago, I would have probably said that the only good about me is that I have the ability to avoid getting hit by a truck despite making strategic attempts to.

Now is a different story. Now, ten is just too easy.

Ten Reasons Why I'm Awesome:

1. I am a pro at job interviews
2. I give great advice
3. I am a fantastic listener
4. You can sit me beside ANYBODY and I'll be best friends with them after five minutes
5. You can trust me with any valuable or any amount of money and I will never get the urge to steal it. This must have something to do with my remote interest in material things
6. I am unbelievably good with children
7. I am a loyal friend
8. I am generous (to a fault, sometimes)
9. I have great legs even though I'm short
10. I'd just have my girl Iggy sing this one for me:

Aww yeah.

2013 Christmas Wishlist

The last time I did this was several years ago, and all the items on my wishlist were as rare as unicorn blood. I learned from that mistake, so now I compiled a list of things that I can actually get for myself. If you find me attractive/pitiful/convincing (or some other combination of the three), I will not stop you if you want to buy them for me. After all, nothing exemplifies the spirit of giving more than spending your hard-earned money on someone you randomly know on Facebook.

1. Tuxedo Bag from Little Emily Shop

I have been on a hoarding spree on this site lately and I am absolutely in love with everything they sell. I actually wanted the backpack they sold before, but when I checked, it's no longer available. So I want this instead because it's a Tuxedo Bag. Come on.

2. Girly dress from TNC Manila

I am currently revamping my wardrobe to include other colors that actually look like colors rather than shadows. I also feel like I should reiterate the fact that I am a girl once in a while. Hence, this. I don't know how long it's going to stay available because it is a steal for its price (350php) so if no one wants to give to the Jaja Foundation, I may have to steal from my nephew's birthday money to get this.

3. Wallet from anywhere

I don't use wallets like normal people do (i.e. I don't put cash in it and just grad pictures of my college friends), but I've always carried one around. My old wallet is on a semi-permanent hiatus because it has decided to shed its "skin" inside my bag, so this is of a more urgent request rather than me just being materialistic. Although I totally am.

4. A Sketchbook

Even though I have not touched my current one in weeks, I think I'm going to pick up the hobby soon again because holidays = really shitty internet connection. When I first started sketching, I picked the cheapest one because I never thought I would actually draw something remotely resembling a human being, but so far, I have created the likenesses of Gretchen Barretto and Epi Quizon so I might be on to something here.

5. Pencils and Shading Stumps

I heard you needed these to draw on the sketchbook.

6. Boots from Little Emily Shop

No justification required.

7. A Boyfriend

LOL. I'm just kidding. I know you can't give me a boyfriend.

Wait.

You can?

No.

Seriously?

Okay, leave your number in the comments section and I'll get back to you in three years.

Bucket List Update

2. Watch an Up Dharma Down gig live

Plus a picture with the amazing Armi.

I'm planning on pursuing another bucket list item next month. We'll see just which one. :)

The Man

Most of the time, I am an asexual plant. But in those rare periods where my hormones come alive at the right moment where a breathing, human male finds himself inexplicably attracted to me (and me to him, although this has not always been the case), I get into a romantic relationship.  This has happened only a handful of times in my life, and yet it has happened often enough for me to finally figure out what I would like in a life partner.

When I was younger, I wanted to marry a prince (as expected).  I was so obsessed with Prince William that when I found out that he was going out with Kate Middleton,  I raged for days and felt like my future, the future I deserved, was cruelly ripped from me. Obviously, I was exaggerating. That and now that he is practically bald, I have realized that I never really loved him and was just in it for the free haute couture.

As I got older (and more realistic), I thought I would be wiser in my decisions regarding finding that someone. But with age comes desperation, and desperation leads to nothing but shit. I'm not 40, but like any other female in their late twenties, you look around and see your high school friends getting impregnated, and you panic and ask why nobody wants to fertilize your eggs. So instead of being more careful and decisive, you go at men like social climbers go at Nine West shoes on sale. You go at them hard and unthinking; you just grab the nearest one and sprint to the counter. Nevermind that they're missing a strap, or a heel, or they're not even in your size. Nevermind; what's important is that you have one.

Then you go home. And you look-- really look-- at what you just spent time, money, energy, and emotion on. And then you just feel like killing yourself.

I think you get the metaphor.

Coming from the most heart-wrenching breakup I've ever experienced, I have just begun to realize what kind of choices I made, what kind of things I prioritized, what kind of things I overlooked. I was so intent on this relationship being THE ONE that I ignored everything else that made sense and just hung on for dear life. I did not want to admit it then, but I know now that I stayed in that relationship because a part of me honestly believed that it was my last chance. And it's not. It's not. It will only be my last chance if I let it, if I close all my doors and sulk in one corner for the rest of my life. That man, no matter how happy he made me, was not the one, simply because he was not. Simply because I declare him not to be the one.

Yes, I have recently discovered the power of one's own will. You  may laugh at that, but harnessing one's will is something that people often neglect to do. You often find those who seem so helpless with their lives, whose decisions are not made by them but by their parents or spouses or friends, whose actions are dictated by other people's advice. Well, I won't be one of them. Especially when it comes to choosing the person I will spend the rest of my life with. So here, Universe, I am sending this list out to you for you to know that this is what I want. And this is what I'll get.

The Man: The Anatomy of My Life Partner

1. He is older or my age.
2. He has a stable job.
3. He owns/is planning to own/has the resources to own a car (this may seem shallow but owning a car, and paying for it every month without fail, is a sign that a person knows how to commit to something. That and he knows how to manage his money.)
4. He can live alone ("can" because he may currently live with his parents not out of a lack of choices, but because of a sense of duty).
5. He knows what's happening in the world and is always ready to talk about it.
6. He reads books and likes it.
7. He has the financial freedom to take adventures with me, whenever we feel like it.
8. He is attractive to me.
9. He is attracted to me and is not afraid to show it.
10. He has the balls to go after what he wants.
11. He does not make promises; he acts on them.
12. He takes responsibility for his actions, his words, and his decisions.
13. He is unashamed to meet/talk to my parents.
14. He knows when to take care of me and when to let me do things by myself.
15. He respects me, in every sense of the word.

In making this list, I never wanted to use the phrase "dream man" because I made this list awake, sober, and fully conscious.  And these criteria are, I believe, things that you need from someone if you are going to build a life with them. And the most important thing about this list is that I meet all 15 items in it. It is truly unfair to expect things from your significant other that you yourself cannot give. Hence, whatever I put in this list is also what I have, am, and do.

This is a long shot, I know, but it's all a matter of visualization. If you always think that you're going to end up alone with 30 cats, then you will, mainly because your actions will lean towards that outcome. And although I would really love to have 30 cats, I'd rather have someone to take care of them with me.

Bucket List Part 2: Just One More

11. Go to a gay bar.

How the hell could I ever forget this?

Bucket List (Things I'd Like to Do Before I Die and/or Before You Kill Me)

1. Visit all UP campuses
2. Watch an Up Dharma Down gig live
3. Go somewhere far, alone
4. Come up to a stranger I'm attracted to and tell him/her that I find him/her attractive
5. Design (and pay for) my dream bedroom
6. Read Pride and Prejudice in one day
7. Go on a candlelit dinner date
8. Buy my parents new wedding rings
9. Save 100k
10. Find a man who will love all of me.

5 Jobs I Would Have Kicked Ass In

There are days that I think I made the wrong decision when I decided to study English.  For one, it would have saved me a lot of stress because I wouldn't have the impulse to mentally parse the utterances of every single person I converse with. I also wouldn't have to pretend that I've read 100 Years of Solitude and actually liked it. During these times, I fantasize about taking up a trade that is wholly unrelated to English Studies.  A trade that actually pays good money and/or lets me wield boundless power over people I abhor. Here are some of them.

1. President of China
          When I was in grade school, I was always voted as class president. Perhaps it was because of my permanent scowl (also known as my face), or my natural tendency to boss around people whom I assumed had lower IQs than me, but without fail, I got elected as president every year. But not only did I exercise my executive powers over those within the four corners of our pink classroom. I reigned over the entire year. Batchmates would come up to me to tell me about being bullied, about their pencil cases being stolen, about accidentally pooping in their pants. And I, their fearsome yet fair leader, would always come to their rescue. I roundhouse kicked the bullies, punched the thieves, and dutifully informed teachers that so-and-so smelled like rotten eggs and it would be in our best interest if somebody just went ahead and called their mother.
           Given this extensive experience in leading highly impressionable children who cannot make their own decisions, I'm pretty sure that being the president of China will come naturally to me.
            It is also my fervent belief that with the guidance of a proper dictator figure, they can finally stop trying to steal other people's countries.

2. President of North Korea
            My explanation for this is pretty much the same as my explanation in the previous point.  The only difference is that my complete ineptitude in Chemistry, Physics, and nuclear weaponry will come in handy in this occupation.  If the North Korean scientists cannot make me understand how fissile material works, I will not let them make any. And that right there, ladies and gentlemen, is the key to world peace.
             I'm a genius, I know.

3. Newscaster
             A taxi driver once told me that I looked like Korina Sanchez.  That's basically where I got the idea.  It has been further reinforced by these three facts: 1) I like to talk, 2) I like to talk nonsense, and 3) I like to talk nonsense in front of a large crowd.  I also lack just the right amount of shame to become successful in this field.  It also helps that I do not mind looking like a doofus while trying to make people believe that whatever I'm saying is right and that those who dare oppose me are morons and should get the fuck out of the country.
             Thank you, teaching profession, for these invaluable traits.

4. Fashion Designer
              There are only two requirements for becoming a legendary fashion designer. The first is you have to like clothes. The second is you actually have to wear them. Check and check.  One does not need talent for this job. I only need money and a super rich financier whose favorite words are "edgy" and "fierce".  In short, the moment I get Tyra Banks to fund my first collection, I can consider myself made.

5. Ninja
              This is all about stealth and developing a high tolerance for breathing with a piece of cloth covering half of your face.  And since I'm small and I live near a bus terminal, I was pretty much born for this job. When I was little (I mean young, because physically, I'm still the size of a 12-year-old), my favorite hobby was to hide from my parents. I'd hide in closets, inside the empty TV cabinet, in between bookshelves, and under windows.  When they didn't catch me, I took pleasure in watching them frantically run around the house for 10 minutes before nonchalantly getting out of my space, saying "What? I'm just here."  When they did catch me, however, I had to make do with getting smacked in the butt.
               Although this type of work does not pay well (unless I get to be a Ninja Assassin, in which case I will be rolling around in tons of money and severed limbs),  I think that I'd choose this above all of the other four.  For one, I'd get to buy a katana. But most of all, I could've not taken any Math subjects and my life would've been perfect.

How to Ask A Girl Out

Before anything else, I'd just like to say that these have been tried and tested.  Not saying they have been successful, but they have been tried and tested. A lot of times.

1. Know her name
          You might think me an idiot for even including this here, but you have no idea how many guys fantasize about women they don't even personally know (not including porn stars). It might be the fault of romantic Hollywood movies that have taught us that if you walk around aimlessly for a good amount of time, you are bound to come across the girl of your dreams who, after spilling her things on the sidewalk and allowing you to heroically save her Chapstick from falling into the sewerage, will voluntarily introduce herself to you, sparing you the agony of what-ifs. No. It does not happen.  In real life, the girl will most likely mumble a weak "thanks" and be on her way to meet her real boyfriend. Who is not, and never will be, you.
          So yeah, you might want to actually work on your people skills and make the effort. See someone you think has potential? Come up to her and introduce yourself. Try not to be too creepy, of course (Psychopaths are not sexy, unless I am the girl, in which case, I will have no qualms marrying you with or without the hockey mask). It will be easier if you have a common friend. If the common friend's a girl, also try not to flirt with her. If the common friend's a guy, invite him to the parking lot and proceed to stab him to death. Eliminating the competition is a must.
   
2. Ask what she likes and like it, too
           Common interests are the way to a girl's heart. Not food. Well okay, food, too. But why would you want to bond over food when you can bond over something less fattening? Music it is, then. Or books. Or hair care products. It doesn't matter. Know what she likes, and force yourself to utter the words "Really? Me too!" Why, you ask? Well, most girls have formed this insane correlation between common interests and soulmate probability. The more common interests you have, the more likely it is for you to be "The One". And your main goal here is to be "The One". Not necessarily "The One She Will Marry and Have Kids With", but something along the lines of "The One She'll Take On A Couple of Dates Before Dumping for a Jock". Take it; don't be choosy.

3. Text her
           How are you going to get to know her if you don't talk to her? The better question is, how will she know you exist if you don't let her know you exist? Communicate, brother. A good morning greet is a perfect way to let her know that you think of her the moment you wake up. A good night greet makes her feel like you care whether she sleeps or not.  Texts at other times of the day tell her that even if you're not breathing down her neck every five minutes, you actually are, only you do it via radio waves (or whatever it is texts travel on). It also tells her that you know where she is at any given minute, and she should stop trying to get the attention of any other guy unless she wants them ambushed.

4. Reply when she texts you
            For girls, guys who do not reply or take 45 minutes to reply only to say "K" is a clear sign of uninterest. So never be that dude.  Reply to her even if she just says "Haha ikr." Think of something witty. Like "Hahaha ikykr" (which means 'I know you know, right?', by the way). Whatever it is, don't make her feel that you don't like talking to her, or that there's something else more important than reading her say "brb". You've got an exam the next day? It doesn't matter; learn to multitask. Your grandfather died? It doesn't matter; he's dead, she's not, end of story. You have no load? It doesn't matter; go out and buy some even if it's 11PM and there's a serial killer lurking in your neighborhood. There's no signal? It doesn't matter; it just doesn't, okay, get the point!
         
5. Use LOL
            Okay, I need you to listen to this one because this is the most important step. This is where you actually ask your girl out. Without this, this post is just rambling, completely nonsensical, and inappropriately titled. So here goes.
            When you ask the girl out, never EVER forget to use LOL at the end.  LOL is the magical word that will catch your sorry ass in case you get rejected. How so? By adding LOL to your text, you can easily pretend that you weren't really asking her out, she shouldn't take you too seriously, you were obviously just kidding blah blah let's drop this topic right now blah.

Sample interaction:
You: So, I was thinking maybe we should watch a movie together LOL
Her: Um. I don't think I can.
You: LOL It's fine. I was totally joking. LOL
(Use it twice in one sentence, for full jocular effect)

             LOL is still appropriate even if she says yes (in which case, OMG YOU A BADASS MUDAFUCKA FUCK YEAH GIMME SOME). It gives this distinct air of nonchalant confidence, like you honestly don't give a shit if she says no, when in reality, your palms are sweating so much that you have to cover your hands with your shirt as you type your reply. It makes you sound cool and calm, and not at all desperate even though you feel like throwing yourself off a cliff  the moment she friendzones you.

Sample interaction:
You: So, I was thinking maybe we should watch a movie together LOL
Her: Sure haha
You: Great. LOL
(Use LOL again to emphasize that you're chill. Then promptly cry into your pillow in happiness.)

So there you have it. Five easy ways to ask a girl out. If it doesn't work, repeat steps 1-5 on another girl. Or if you're that pathetic, repeat steps 1-5 on the same girl until she runs to the nearest police station to file a blotter on you (and you deserve it, you creeper).

How to Not Get Robbed

I'm not saying it's your fault, but at least take some precaution.

1. Walk with a purpose
            This is tried and tested.  Muggers won't notice you if you brisk walk past them.  They are more likely to take note of your shiny earrings, your gold watch, and your brand new cellphone if they have more than ten seconds to look at them.  Also, if you walk fast, muggers won't bother running after you. A moving target is harder to catch.  Unless your pursuers do cardio (in that case, give it up coz you're fucked).

2. Don't dangle your prized possessions in front of would-be muggers
           I know that showing off your phone does not make it legal for people to steal it, but muggers don't really adhere to our kind of logic.  So if you want to enjoy that DSLR for more than two weeks, don't make it a necklace. Wearing it around your neck is like screaming "Take it! Take it! It's here!" Well, at least that's what muggers would say to defend their surprise attack on you. I know you can't wait for people to acknowledge you as a "serious photographer", but I'm pretty sure there are other ways for you to prove that. Like by, I don't know, taking really good pictures?

3. Don't bring your prized possessions everywhere if you don't need them
          The number of people who cannot live without gadgets is exponentially increasing, so I suppose this might be a tad impossible for technomaniacs (did I just invent a new word?).  But like all things, there is a time and place for everything; including your unrequited love for your iPad. If you're just going out to buy vinegar from the nearest sari-sari store, you don't have to lug the thing around. It's not a puppy. It's not going to miss you. You can leave it in the house for half a day and it won't starve to death. Promise.  So go out, have an actual conversation for once, and experience the liberating feeling of not having to entertain the possibility of your gadget being stolen and/or your neck being impaled by an ice pick.

4. Look like you're not worth mugging
          Whenever I go to places where there is rampant mugging, I adhere to a strict dress code. I call it "Nursery Ninja". It's a mix of innocence and the barely contained aura of instinctive homicide. I try to dress like I'm too young and poor to be robbed, but if someone even attempts it, I will have no qualms karate-chopping their nearest body part. I do not wear miniskirts. I do not wear high heels. Most of all, I make sure that any prized possession is stuffed inside my shirt. Forget trying to look pretty or handsome. You'll have more time for that if you don't get shot in the head by a desperate rugby boy.

5. Be alert
          They say that in life, you should stop and smell the roses. I guess you could do that when you're in a garden literally full of roses and people just go milling about as they are wont to do in a garden. But if you're in a dark city street, I suggest you do not stop and smell anything. This should be rule number one, actually.  Minding one's business is probably the most effective way for you to avoid mugging. Look at your surroundings, but not too long enough that you'd attract unwanted attention. Focus on where you're walking, do not talk to strangers, and lastly, be aware if someone already has his entire hand inside your backpack. In short, if you're not an oblivious moron, I'm pretty sure you'll get home alive.